A SIDEWAYS LOOK AT LIFE AND ITS PECULIARITIES
Thursday 29 April, 2010
Funny Old World
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Under-performing
Viewers jammed ITV switchboards last Friday night complaining that the England v Algeria game had interrupted advertisements on HD.
And a demonstrably angry viewer called a London radio show to express his disgust that his team had just drawn with the weakest team in the group. The presenter tried to console the man by telling him that England could still qualify, to which the caller replied: “England? England? I support Algeria!”
And when the England team visited an orphanage in Soweto, nine-year-old Jamal Omboto said: “It is so good to be able to put a smile on people with no hope.”
England are now through, of course, thanks to a better performance. Nick Thompson
Postcode Lottery
North Korea sinks a South Korean naval vessel killing 46 sailors minding their own business and the world stifles a yawn. Israel boards a ship that has refused to obey a request to dock at one of its ports and tragically kills nine people who attacked them, and the world is up in arms. Am I missing something? Nick Thompson
Bankrupt Britain
I was privileged to attend an economic briefing this week delivered by one of the few remaining AA-rated banks. And there was no accusing our speaker of being over optimistic – he soberly delivered the news that Britain is well and truly up to its ears in debt.
The shocking facts:
1. New Labour, or the state they left us in Nude Labour, were borrowing at the rate of £160bn per annum. So they were spending £160bn more than they were bringing in. To put it into perspective, when Labour came to office, the national debt stood at £40bn. Labour were borrowing four times per year more than the entire national debt they inherited.
2. During New Labour’s period in office, they presided over the largest rise in personal debt in the history of this country. Today we owe 150% of our annual salaries. That is the highest level of personal debt in the world.
3. Our banks were borrowing around £800m per annum more than they were receiving in deposits in order to fuel this surge in personal debt.
What we had laid out before us was the sad picture of England as little better than Greece and hanging onto our bootstraps to avoid a similar fate.
And the most incredible thing was that, even after this sobering presentation, we still had attendees asking if we could get away without too severe Public Sector cuts and tax rises. Hello? We are spending £160bn more than we earn.
I was reminded of the football fans I work with who in one breath bemoan their club’s flirtation with bankruptcy and in the next speculate over which multi-million pound signing will be made. Will we ever wake up and smell the coffee? Nick Thompson
Frosty reception
I was also blessed to meet Sir David Frost, which was an honour, particularly given my interest in him since watching the excellent, if not wholly accurate, Frost Nixon. Sir David spent close on an hour regaling us with tales of his life in the media. However, the priceless moment for me was when he opened the floor to questions. Someone asked which person, alive or dead, would he most like to have interviewed out of those he hadn’t got around to. He replied by saying that General de Gaulle had promised him an interview on the third day when he rose from the dead. Frost remarked: “I must have missed him.” Nick Thompson
Don’t you know who I am? Part I – My name is mister
Apparently an e-mail circulated at the BBC requiring all staff to wear a special election wristband to aid security and limit access to the election studio.
Everyone followed the rules including David Dimbleby and corporation chief Mark Thompson – everyone that is except TV executive Alan Yentob.
Protesting he was Mr Yentob and demanding access to the studio, security guards did their job and an argument ensued. Evidently the argument was so fierce that a senior member of staff felt it necessary to apologise for Yentob’s behaviour. Nick Thompson
Don’t you know who I am? Part II – The sky is falling down
Apparently Kay Burley, yes the probing Sky News reporter, was witnessed in Tesco’s at Osterley berating a pharmacy counter assistant.
Evidently Ms Burley uttered the immortal line ‘Don’t You Know Who I Am?’ and was greeted with the epic ‘No’.
Undeterred, Ms Burley hissed: ‘Well, if you did you would be doing what I want you to right now.’ Nick Thompson
Don’t you know who I am? Part III – It’s all in the mind
Fresh from his spat with Adam Boulton on Sky News, Burnley-supporting Alistair Campbell tweeted: ‘Really worried about Adam Boulton, wonder if he might need some of my pills.’
It’s a strange comment from the man whose website proclaims he won 2009’s Mind Champion of the Year, an award to recognise his work in breaking down the stigma around mental illness. Nick Thompson
Sons of Kernow
It’s Election Day and I am bored waiting for the results, so here is a brief selection of election trivia that demonstrates it really is a funny old world.
In recent council elections in Cornwall the Liberal Democrats had to apologise after they circulated a campaign leaflet calling a Mebyon Kernow (Sons of Cornwall) candidate “a greasy-haired twat”. Now what was that about political correctness? Nick Thompson
Relatively speaking
In 1902 Robert Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury, resigned to make way for his nephew and political protégé Arthur Balfour. In doing so he created the conditions that gave rise to the expression ‘Bob’s your uncle’. Nick Thompson
Political expediency
In an effort to popularise the budget deficit and take the nation’s temperature on austerity measures, Channel 4 has devised a new game format called ‘Chop or Not’. The game is aimed to give you the chance to make those decisions that will be reserved for our new PM in the coming weeks.
Amongst players to date, 71% of under-35s have indicated where they would slash funding.
Is it the military? No. Is it Parliament? No. Is it nuclear development? No. Is it the 2012 Olympics? Yes. It’s a funny old world! Nick Thompson
Mad Dogs and Englishmen
Here’s something to make your blood boil – an e-mail doing the rounds on the internet. If it’s even slightly true, it reveals the true madness of our New Labour masters (Click here to view).
For those of you who are not sure who Anjem Choudary is, he gained fame as
the Islamic cleric who wanted to lead a protest march through Wootton
Bassett. I appreciate there is a very real risk of being branded a bigot
here but, in the run-up to the election, I really need to ask Mr Brown
why he has allowed this to happen? Nick Thompson
Swap Shop
Well, here’s a thing. It has emerged that Orlando Figes, the historian who
was recently unmasked as a vicious on-line reviewer of his rivals’ titles, owns a season ticket at Chelsea. The adjacent seat is owned by Dan Corry, who you might remember was the Labour spin doctor infamous for his e-mails that tried to establish whether or not the leaders of the Paddington Survivors Group were Tory supporters.
I wonder what they talk about at half-time? Nick Thompson
I spy with my little eye
Google is in hot water – again! Fresh from its spat with China, Google is
taking on Germany whose Federal Data Commissioner Peter Schaar is
horrified to find that the company is using its Street View cars to map home WiFi
networks.
Reports from Germany indicate Google have equipped the cars with scanners to
map the WLAN (Wireless Local Area Networks) and record the unique MAC code.
Herr Schaar is demanding Google deletes their records while Google are
claiming it is in the public domain already.
So why all the hot air? Well, Google has a picture of your home, your WiFi
network and is the most popular search engine. I’ll let you do the maths. Nick Thompson
Talking Turkey
In 1961 the first Ford Transit rolled off the production line and Turkey
suffered the first of four military coups with the economy a complete
shambles.
In 2001 the five-millionth Transit rolled off the production line at
Southampton and Ford’s first production plant in Turkey came on line just
two months late after being damaged in the 1999 earthquake.
Today the plant in Turkey is Ford’s most efficient while Southampton
builds a paltry 35,000 custom-built chassis cabs per year.
The balance of power has changed and it has done so through a combination of ineffectual liberal government, costs and the fact that the Turkish work
force demonstrably cares.
As Bob Dylan said, the times they are a’ changing. Nick Thompson
You getting colder?
If you thought we had a cold winter, spare a thought for the Bering Sea
where thousands of square miles of ocean have frozen over, taking the ice
coverage back to the scope of 2001.
However, if you thought this would cause the global warming people to
question their hypotheses, think again. Apparently it changes nothing. Yet only in 2007 the climate change lobby were predicting a big melt, since proved to be exaggerated. And I thought you couldn’t have your cake and eat it? Nick Thompson
The Campaign Diet
Step aside Dr Atkins; move over F Plan – the campaign diet is apparently the
way to lose weight. At least that is what Liberal MP Susan Kramer claims.
She says the weight is dropping off her colleagues as they pound the
pavements and hammer the doors in preparation for the General
Election. She claims to know an MP who has shed half-a-stone even before
the campaign started in earnest. Of course Labour says their version of the
diet will cause even greater weight loss as they seek to remove the
bulge… but not quite yet! Nick Thompson
IT is the answer
Technology is essential to business these days and it’s important you have
technologists who are on the top of their game.
BBC Academy staff could be excused for wondering what was going on after
they received a series of blank e-mails from someone called Andy Wilson.
But Andy Wilson put an end to all that with an e-mail explaining his new smart phone had gone bonkers and started sending e-mails to everyone.
They could be excused for worrying about IT when they realised that Wilson is the BBC Academy’s head of technology. Don’t panic Mr Mainwaring! Nick Thomspon
Holding the ace card
Hollywood blockbusters can be pretty expensive affairs and, quite understandably, producers sometimes look to save a few bob.
Apparently in Die Hard 4.0 there was a suggestion to scale down an epic
scene for which the budget seemed a little high.
However, Die Hard’s star Bruce Willis really liked the scene and wanted it kept in. The row rumbled on until Bruce finally asked ‘Who is your second choice to
play John McClane?’ The scene was shot. Nick Thompson
The camera never lies
The Chancellors’ debate told us nothing, and yet everything. We saw Alistair Darling positioning himself as a decent, but limited man. Such a shame, then, that on the day he denied generals the right to travel first class on the railways, saving a measly few thousand, he announced £7 billion of investment on roads – every single one in a Labour marginal. Vince Cable was exposed as an erstwhile comedian and George Osborne tried to look youthful and wise simultaneously.
If the same happens in the leaders’ debates, we will see Gordon Brown as a
desperate, aggressive, power-crazed, self-pitying man, Nick Clegg as an
amiable and sober Charles Kennedy clone and David Cameron – if he has the
courage to be himself – strong, articulate and immensely likeable. Nick Thompson
The learned elders of conservatism
Anti-Semitism is always a good prop to grasp when things get tough. So how
desperate are Labour to claim the Tories are too close to Israel? This week
Martin Linton MP spoke of Israel’s long tentacles, manipulating British politics, and Gerald Kaufman spoke of Jewish millionaires as part-owners of the Tory Party. Anti-Semitism is a foul offence and these men dishonour Labour voters by behaving in such a crass manner. Nick Thompson
Nice and sleazy
Unite, the nice people who brought you the BA strikes, give Gordon Brown’s
Labour party £11m of their members’ subscription. Labour give Unite £18m of
taxpayers’ money from the Union Modernisation Fund and Union Learning Fund. Unite’s political director is Charlie Whelan, one of Gordon Brown’s best
mates. Net result – Labour up £11m, Unite up £7m, Taxpayers down £18m… And we got upset about MPs’ expenses? Does anyone think there is something rotten in the state of England? Nick Thompson
The big lie
How come the deafening silence over Gordon Brown’s bare-faced lie over defence spending? Such manipulation of figures must surely cause us to ask if we can trust such a man on handling national debt. Or is there a media conspiracy of silence? Nick Thompson
Licensed to kill… radio stations
The Beeb has spent nearly £100m on the two digital radio stations it is proposing to close – BBC 6 music and Asian Network. Spending on 6 Music peaked in 2008/09, the last financial period for which figures are available, with an annual cost of £9m, including £6.5m on content, £2.1m on infrastructure and support and £400,000 on distribution, according to the
BBC annual report.
The Asian Network cost £12.1m over the same period including £9.2m on programmes and other content, down from the high of £13m spent in 2007/08 which included £10.1m on content. In total, the corporation has spent £39.9m on 6 Music and £56.8m on the Asian Network since 2002 when the two stations were launched on the BBC’s national digital audio broadcasting (DAB) multiplex – a total of £96.7m.
So how much has that cost per listener, I ask? 6 Music’s audience has grown over the eight-year period, albeit slowly, to a record 695,000 listeners in the final three months of last year. But the Asian Network’s audience at the end of 2009 – a weekly reach of just 360,000
listeners – was its lowest since the end of 2002. The Asian service peaked with 535,000 listeners at the end of 2004. Nick Thompson
Every Little Helps
There were some red faces at Tesco HQ the other day after news emerged that Britain’s
biggest supermarket accidentally paid one of its suppliers almost £1m for six bikes. Universal Cycles, owned by Mike Ashley’s company Sports Direct, has apparently paid back most of the cash but is holding on to the final £120,000 – so Tesco is taking them to court to get its money back (plus interest and costs). It remains to be seen whether this will actually make it to the courtroom. But the £164,000 question is: what’s happened to the poor soul in accounts who managed to put an extra three noughts on the cheque? Nick Thompson
Tale of the Tape
Piers Morgan’s encounter with Gordon Brown had similar viewing figures as his interview with Richard Madeley. However, that was a lot less than his chat with Sir Cliff Richard. Nick Thompson
Journalist speaks sense – shock horror!
Journalist Jeff Randall featured the following quote which makes
shocking sense to me:
”We cannot incentivize idleness and expect it to diminish. We cannot spend more than we earn and expect to become richer. We cannot borrow more than we can afford and expect to stay solvent. We cannot import millions of economic migrants and expect higher wages for low-paid workers. We cannot run a non-selective state education system and expect its output to waltz into Oxbridge. We cannot dumb down education standards and expect employers not to notice. In short, we cannot cheat our way to sustainable prosperity.”
I feel a Jeff Randall for Prime Minister campaign coming on!
…Talking of which, a job centre has banned an advertisement asking for ‘reliable workers’ as it discriminated against the lackadaisical sort.
It reminds me of the early 80s when I was told I could not specify numeracy or literacy in a job advertisement with a job centre.
What was that our Government keeps saying about wanting to get people back into work? Nick Thompson
Tasty Chinese
The Great Wall never looked so tasty: a team of Chinese confectioners have built a 33ft long replica of the structure entirely out of chocolate in a bid to entice Chinese to eat more of the sweet stuff. The chocolate wall is made from solid dark chocolate bricks stuck together with white chocolate and is one of the attractions at the World Chocolate Wonderland exhibition and trade show which will open to the public later this month. Up to 80 tonnes of chocolate was used in making the displays which include a mini-army of 560 chocolate replicas of the well-known Terracotta Warriors standing to attention on a layer of chocolate flakes. Nick Thompson
Famous forebears
John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln’s assassin, was the great-great-great-grandfather of Cherie Blair. I wonder if Gordon Brown sleeps soundly knowing that. Nick Thompson
Salt of the Earth
What would Britain do without South Africans, I often wonder? Not content with having virtually half the current England cricket team closely connected with the country – a distinct advantage in the current test series in which they are giving the top-rated hosts a run for their money – they also seem to be at the forefront of the current battle to keep Britain on the road.
A man with a distinct South African accent was interviewed by the Beeb on how they were coping with salt mining a mile under the cliffs of the Yorkshire coast in the light of the Global Cooling (not the BBC’s expression, I hasten to add) we are now experiencing.
He told us they have been working round the clock in nine-hour shifts all through the Christmas period when they would normally shut down, consuming six litres of iced water per head each time.
So I hope the England team basking in the African sun (and especially the South Africans among them) spare a thought for the men of Yorkshire sweating away for precious grit to keep the home fires burning. Charles Gardner
Global Warming hot air frozen
So the Copenhagen Summit on Global Warming started on December 19, coinciding with the onset of Britain’s longest, deepest Big Freeze in at least 30 years.
It is almost as if God is waving two fingers in the direction of the assembled great and good. It reminds me of Psalm 2, particularly verse 4: “The One enthroned in heaven laughs…” or is that too cynical? Nick Thompson
Politicians make their Marx
I recently learnt about a school of thought that has influenced most, if not all, of our existing senior politicians across Europe. Indeed, I am advised that Neil Kinnock was actually chanting the name of one of the school’s leading ideologists at the Labour Party Conference.
The Frankfurt School is a body of ideology whose stated aim is to bring society into a Marxist framework. And I have to admit I find that thought shocking but actually plausible, given the decisions and policies being pursued.
And as I was walking the dog the other day, it struck me that the Credit Crunch could well have been brought about by politicians determined to create a massive social experiment in wealth redistribution. I mulled that one over and actually it made sense in a Marxist sort of way.
Then the depressing thought struck me, and it was all supported by the Aspirin Tax. If you have never heard of the aspirin tax, let me explain. It is a tax applied to anything white that works. Nick Thompson
Conspiracy theories
My son has came home for Christmas and took it upon himself to share his reading habits with me, confidently informing me that FHM is a brilliant magazine. To prove it he walked me through their Top 11 conspiracy theories which gave me pause for thought on a number of them, and giggles over others. Here’s a sample of the list with my thinking on the matter for your edification:
1 MI6 is in charge of the world’s drug trade – you know the thought struck me that if we were serious about bringing an end to this sordid business it could be pretty easily done, although it might make some liberal whiners weep tears into their skinny lattes. So is it our liberal conscience or a global conspiracy that allows the drug trade to continue?
2 Swine Flu was invented to slow down population growth – given swine flu struck in 1918 it has been around a while without doing the job.
3 The economic crisis was not an accident – the thought that no-one stood up and pointed out that packaging debt as a tradable commodity was nothing short of madness is scary, and I bet some big corporations are picking up lots of businesses and shares on the cheap.
4 The US prison system is slave labour – don’t know but I think it’s a good idea and should be exported to the UK as soon as possible.
5 China is building the world’s largest fleet of nuclear subs – highly plausible, but what will they do with them? China is nothing if not practical.
6 Facebook was created by the CIA – well, everyone seems to be sharing their intimate secrets on it, so genius if it was.
7 Barack Obama is Merovingian – ah, the Illuminati link; it had to be there somewhere. Actually, putting that together with the alleged Muslim connections and the idea of an Islamic Merovingian is truly scary, although on the other hand it could come in handy when creating a false peace. Nick Thompson
Commemorating history
Who remembers Mr Benn? No, not Anthony Wedgwood, but the 70s cartoon character. Apparently residents of the road where Mr Benn was created have clubbed together and raised £500 to erect a plaque commemorating this landmark cartoon. Buoyed by this act of remembrance and celebration, Mr Benn’s creator David McKee recently revealed there are plans for Mr Benn the movie. Heavens… they’ll be needing another whip-round to fund changing the plaque! Nick Thompson
Extra Terrestrial
According to the Bulgarian Government, space aliens are among us and in contact with government scientists who have set them a series of questions to respond to and believe that the aliens are answering via crop circles. I wonder if the questions are multiple-choice? Nick Thompson
Every little helps
Tesco recently received a novel complaint when an irate shopper drove a Rolls Royce through his local branch, breaking a storefront window and causing staff and shoppers to dive for cover.
Apparently he wanted to express dissatisfaction with Tesco Direct who had delivered him a bed without its mattress. However, one Tesco employee claimed that just minutes before the demonstration of dissatisfaction the driver had tried to buy alcohol but had been refused. So how many clubcard points was the bed worth and did it cover the cost of the window? Nick Thompson
Home is where the heart is
So SuBo, or Susan Boyle to those of us who still prefer good old-fashioned Christian and surnames, has apparently received her first £100k royalty cheque. Given the sales of her album, this is likely to be the first of many. So what is she going to buy? …A new house? Actually no, apparently Pebbles the cat doesn’t want to move so the council house Susan lives in is likely to be bought. You know I never once considered asking our pets whether they wanted to relocate or not. How thoughtless of me. Nick Thompson
Roar Deal
A hungry lion was dozing in the back of an unmarked circus van in the German city of Wuppertal when thieves stole the vehicle.
And in a remarkable piece of understatement, circus boss Laurens Thoen announced that the animal was probably looking for food and water and added a warning: ‘It could be a dangerous matter if they open the rear of the vehicle and it isn’t obvious from the outside that there is a fearsome predator within.’
It brings a whole new meaning to the pantomime catchphrase: ‘He’s behind you’. Nick Thompson
Disney Tales
This may prove to be an apocryphal Disney Tale but apparently if a Disney cruise ship ever needs to be evacuated at sea, the protocol is that those who get the first lifeboat (before the women and children) are two Disney employees who are required to take a Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck costume with them so that if/when the children arrive to safety, they can be suitably greeted by Mickey and Donald so they don’t get upset thinking they’ve gone down with the ship. Nick Thompson
It’s all a question of timing
Many of the protesters arrested at the G20 riots this year have had their bail dates set for mid-December, the same time as the climate summit in Copenhagen. …Coincidence? Nick Thompson
Climate Change panel-beating
So the official response to the revelation that Climate Change scientists have been tweaking the evidence to support their contention has been greeted by the announcement that the allegations are to be investigated by the UN Climate Change Panel. No chance of a conflict of interest there?
The facts, as I noted a couple of years ago, are that there is evidence out there that the earth’s temperature has been cooling since the late 90s.
The Climate Change lobby has three main goals – tax revenues, protecting the industrial world from developing world growth and providing a new wave of industry to soak up some of the jobs lost when manufacturing moved east.
Why our politicians refuse to accept that the earth’s climate has been changing for hundreds of years is beyond me – unless, of course, they have watched 2012 and believed it. Nick Thompson
France’s handy World Cup draw
So France got a handy draw in the World Cup. Following Frenchman Platini’s decision not to campaign for a replay following the Thierry Henry handball that denied Ireland, and friend of Platini Sepp Blater refusing Irish calls for a replay, France has a path that could easily propel them to the quarter-finals without breaking too much of a sweat …Unless, of course, they are themselves defeated with the help of some gamesmanship. I, for one, would turn a blind eye to anything of that nature. Nick Thompson
Desert dream over
The desert dream is over. After building islands, tempting football star investors and generally promising the earth, Dubai’s bubble has burst… boo hoo. The bad news is that some investor analysts think Britain could be next. But Mr Brown keeps telling us we are leading the recovery. Now where are the emperor’s new clothes? Nick Thompson
The Irish deserve a replay
The Irish football team deserves to be awarded a replay in the great handball debate currently exercising the sporting world.
After all, when they voted down the European Union by rejecting the Lisbon Treaty in a referendum, no-one took any notice and decided a replay would bring the right result. Who cares about democracy? What we need is a secure economy, the Irish were led to believe.
But now when millions witness French captain – and former Arsenal hero – Thierry Henry – scoring a goal which knocked Ireland out of the World Cup finals with a clear handball, the football authorities deny the Irish a replay.
Even Thierry Henry believes they deserve it. But the football authorities – like the Pharisees in Jesus’ time – are too busy consulting the rule book with a magnifying glass to recognise the obvious.
Yes, I agree that in almost every case the referee has to be the final arbiter – so much so that in my day job as sports editor I always delete the verbal abuse so regularly heaped on officials by my amateur correspondents – but there comes a time when the occasion demands a different response. Perhaps a bribe of a pint of the black stuff might suffice? Charles Gardner
Oops, I did it again
Apparently Australians walked out in disgust at a Britney Spears concert when they discovered she was lip synching. Obviously long-standing Britney fans then. What’s more disturbing was that most of the complainants featured on the news were men. They went to hear Britney sing? Nick Thompson
Old dogs, new tricks
Word is in Brussels that Russia – that’s right the country – is in the market for a PR agency to create a positive light around the actions of the Soviet Union in the run-up to, and directly following, World War II.
The strategic goal is to create the idea that modern Russia should be encouraged to exert its influence upon its neighbours for the good of the world.
Word also has it that a senior executive from one of the agencies pitching for the business asked, ‘So you want us to portray Stalin in a light that shows he wasn’t such a bad guy?’ Upon receiving the answer ‘Well, we appreciate it could be difficult’ the same executive continued by asking, ‘So you want us to re-write history?’ and got the unequivocal answer – ‘Yes’. Why do I think of Peter Mandelson when I reflect on that story? Nick Thompson
Po-faced ban on noisy sex upheld
Perversion in our sex-saturated society has long since become politically correct – in many cases, at least. And so it is perverse indeed that a 48-year-old woman from Washington, Tyne & Wear, has had a council ban on noisy sex – or cacophonous copulation as the BBC put it – upheld in court.
The woman in question is, with her husband, celebrating 25 years of apparently ecstatic marriage, though neighbours – no doubt acting out of jealousy – complained that her sexually-induced screams interfered with their TV viewing and sounded like she was being murdered.
And while she claimed she couldn’t help it, the judge ruled that the noise was unnecessary. I’m quite sure Solomon – who knew about the joys of sex – would have made a wiser judgment.
Seriously, the fact that a married couple still clearly enjoy intimacy after 25 years should be a cause of national celebration.
Would the neighbours rather that homosexual orgies were taking place next door, and would the law be able to do anything about it if they were? It’s worth a thought. Charles Gardner
How extreme is extreme?
Shooting off on my holiday took my mind off the whole Question Time furore, but reflecting in the sunshine I suddenly realised that whilst the BBC and Mr Straw felt able to label Mr Griffin extreme they have never been able to apply the same label to Martin McGuinness, ex-IRA Chief of Staff, nor to President Ahmadinejad, currently engaged in building a nuclear weapon, nor to Hamas – involved in suicide bombings, execution of political enemies, killing of homosexuals, etc. So if you refuse to put up with non-Brits taking up council houses, hospital beds, school places or the abuse of returning British soldiers then it seems you are an extremist. Otherwise pretty much anything goes. Nick Thompson
Last post for Ronnie?
Our cruise had many American passengers, some of whom I shared conversations with. One particularly enlightening one was with a laconic man from Oregon who, spying my newspaper article on the postal strike, remarked: “Robbie would have fixed that for y’all.” Seeing my quizzical look he reminded me of the air traffic strike where President Reagan told them to return to work or be sacked. Given that each strike is a another nail in the coffin of surface mail, and the only people welcoming the strikes are couriers, email providers and enemies of the UK, it is a matter of shame that our government is so indecisive that they lack the incisiveness of an ex-actor turned President who had the courage to transform his country. Nick Thompson
Buzz off
You may be familiar with the old saying, ‘Penny-wise, pound-foolish’. Sadly our government and others around the world are precisely that. In fact in many ways they are literally fiddling while Rome burns. The world’s bee population is collapsing, and no bees means no pollination of fruit, flowers and vegetables, which in turn means that famine will stalk the earth. What are the world’s governments doing? Very little, it seems. Maybe they believe GM food will save us all. Or maybe they are so focused on the urgent global warming non-event that they are missing the important honey bee crisis. Nick Thompson
Broke through the future
In a breathtaking piece of scientific rationale, scientists on the LHC (large hadron collider) – yes, the one that doesn’t work – are claiming that their work so picks at the fabric of nature that it has come back from the future to sabotage itself. Which would mean that it works, but it doesn’t, if you get what I mean. Based on that stunning analysis I think it is now time to reveal that British Leyland cars were never really rubbish but that cunning Japanese bosses time-travelled to sabotage BL and create the market opportunity for Datsun et al. Staggering. And if only I’d known when I had that Maestro that things could have been so different. Nick Thompson
The truth will out
Timing is often a detail that can floor us so it may be appropriate that in the very week our liberal BBC organised the ambush of BNP leader Nick Griffin, a government adviser has finally admitted that we are all Lab Rats in Labour’s great sociological experiment. You know, the one where the UK throws open its doors to as many immigrants as possible. And our liberal chattering classes wonder why support for the BNP keeps growing! Maybe there is a broad body of people who do not want the UK used as a lab, or, as was also admitted, a political football to kick the Tories into having to accept a multicultural Britain. Nick Thompson
Rip off Britain
I am in Italy this week on a cruise – a great time to relax. But something noteworthy happened yesterday. We took a 1.5 hour train ride to Rome at rush hour. The fare, including all day travel on the Metro, was 9 euros. Last time I took an hour and a half rush hour train ride to London it cost me approximately £160 sterling and that didn’t include the Tube fare. So what warrants the premium for letting the train take the strain in Britain? Nick Thompson
Wossamatter?
What with the constant stream of media articles surfacing about Jonathan Ross’ impending contract negotiations you could be forgiven for thinking that having defended their man to the hilt during the Sachsgate affair, the BBC are now preparing to quietly shelve Wossy. Even more interesting is the recent rumour that Liza Tarbuck is on the brink of being signed to present a Radio 2 show. Now if I were a betting man… Nick Thompson
Be careful what you wish for
Given Cashley Cole has a few bob, courtesy of his transfer to Chelsea, it’s not surprising he is investing some of it in the movies. Ashley has got himself onto a film called ‘Dead Man Running’ where he is to be listed as an Executive Producer. But it makes you wonder how well he did his research, as one of the stars is to be rapper 50 Cent, a man of whom Cheryl Cole, Ashley’s other half, said in her pre-married days: ‘I wouldn’t mind breeding a football team with him’. But then as they say about football, it’s all about choosing the right options. Nick Thompson
Immobilised by the mobile!
Well, I’ll just have to get on my soapbox and rant on about one of my pet-hates. Having reached the ‘magic’ age, I am allowed to be a ‘grumpy old man’.
Now I know mobile phones have their uses, especially when my wife was stuck on a steep hill on holiday in Whitby after stalling the car and was able to call the men (who had been out golfing) for assistance. But emergencies are surely what they’re for.
There was an old saying that the devil makes work for idle hands. But it’s not PC now for two reasons – one, we don’t believe in the devil any more and, secondly, we’re not suppose to accuse anyone of being work-shy because that’s discrimination.
But it’s rare to see a young woman walking down the street without a cell phone stuck to her head. I can never understand why whatever conversation they are engaged upon couldn’t have been carried out before they left home, or waited until they got back. Other women who surely have enough on their hands pushing two young children about in a buggy manage to get completely distracted by a phone conversation. Certainly, the children concerned are relegated to second place in those circumstances – no wonder they end up running wild.
And far too many arrogant people (men and women) continue to use the phone while driving (even while turning corners) – although, if I may digress, if mobiles are illegal while driving so should smoking as cigarettes have to be lit, and ashes and fag-ends have to be disposed of. I know cars have ash-trays, but our ignorant, lawless natives prefer to throw them out the window.
Anyway, back to mobiles. What took the biscuit for me the other day was arriving in the northern suburbs of London on the way to visit my mum and, with the lights turned green, to find myself being held up by someone on a mobile. He was actually a runner, crossing a busy road against the lights completely oblivious to the rest of the world. Was he the President of the United States that he couldn’t even go for a run without his mobile? Charles Gardner
Strange fruit
Having knocked the BBC over their excesses, here’s a heart-warming story of ingenuity and frugality from that quarter. Apparently Watchdog presenter Anne Robinson complained that her dressing room fruit bowl had a ‘too hairy’ kiwi fruit. Faced with no more stocks of such fruit, catering staff whipped out a pair of scissors and gave it a trim. Now that’s cost-conscious! Nick Thompson
Otter madness
The Labour Conference made a symbolic return to Brighton’s Grand Hotel with a security operation costing £6 million, making it the most expensive in UK history, so there’s another record for Labour. The operation code named Otter required a year’s planning and involved hundreds of police. Why do I wonder if they should have bothered? Nick Thompson
Fleecing the public
In the face of the pronouncement that Pandas should be allowed to die out, it has been revealed that the environmental lobby have a hierarchy of animals who tug on the public’s heartstrings – the top three being Panda, Tiger and Whale. So they seem to have devised an evolutionary strategy that makes the Panda the height of development in that its super-cute looks make it the most powerful species on our planet. Nick Thompson
Marr’s attacks
Doubtless you have read Andrew Marr’s follow-up on the blogosphere ramblings over Gordon Brown’s alleged usage of anti-depressants, which he justified with the explanation ‘everyone in Westminster is talking about it’. Well, here’s another thing people in Westminster are talking about but which hasn’t been subject to the same very public scrutiny. Apparently Andrew Marr has taken out a swingeing injunction against the press concerning aspects of his own private life. So swingeing is this injunction that Private Eye has spent a fortune on lawyers simply to be allowed to say that the injunction even exists. However, there is an old saying about people in glasshouses which feels appropriate, and there are rumours that Labour worthies are discussing using parliamentary privilege to reveal Marr’s secret. Ouch! Nick Thompson
The gene pool needs some chlorine
James and Wayne Snell planned a brilliant bank robbery after carefully surveying their target with their two accomplices. They struck late at night, dressed in dark, anonymous clothing and wearing balaclavas. They made off with more than £100,000. It was the perfect crime, but for one tiny detail. The car in which the four carried out their surveillance operation had a personalised number plate – J4 MES. It proved extremely memorable to passers-by outside a branch of the Halifax in Cardiff and it proved extremely useful to the police in tracing the culprits. They traced James Snell’s blue BMW to a flat in a suburb north of Cardiff, which in turn led them to a flat in another part of the city where the two brothers were caught red-handed, and somewhat red-faced, with £30,000 in bank notes. Nick Thompson
Sense and Sensibility
Microsoft boss Bill Gates apparently presented these rules of life to a group of high school students.
- Life is not fair – live with it.
- The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem. It expects you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
- You will not earn £60,000 per year straight out of school and you won’t be a director with a company car until you earn both.
- If you think school is tough, wait until work.
- Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents have a word for this kind of work – opportunity.
- When you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault. Don’t whine about mistakes, learn from them.
- Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they seem now. It’s the result of paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you telling them how cool you are. So before you go and save an endangered species, clean out your wardrobe.
- School may have done away with winners and losers, but life hasn’t. Life has not abolished failing grades.
- Life does not divide into terms, there are no long summer holidays and not that many employers are that interested in helping you find yourself; it’s a self-help subject.
- Television is not real life. Real people have to leave the café or pub to do their job.
- Be nice to nerds; you will probably end up working for one. Nick Thompson
Education, Education, Education
Well, that was Tony Blair’s mantra but now Gordon Brown seems to be dabbling with football.
Not satisfied with congratulating England on qualifying for the World Cup, the game has moved on though we aren’t yet quite at the stage of the PM taking over at the FA.
If you haven’t read about it, Sports Minister Gerry Sutcliffe has written to the FA, the Premier League and the Football League, expressing concerns about various issues, including a perceived lack of development at the ‘grass roots’ level of the game.
When asked whether the government could pull their £25 million funding from football’s lower levels, Sutcliffe said: “That’s one of the levers we have. It would be a last resort, and we certainly wouldn’t want to do anything that would harm grassroots football. We will wait to see what The FA’s response is to the letter that we put forward.”
As we said, it’s not exactly a coup d’etat, but those on high might want to take note of what happened to the Hellenic Football Federation in 2006. Greece and its member clubs were banned from international competition due to government interference, and breaking rules on ‘the independence of members and decision-making in each country’. Greek law was eventually altered and the ban lifted, but it’s just something to bear in mind. Nick Thompson
Do the maths
A BBC report on last Saturday’s Sunderland match had the following commentary. “By handing Jones the chance to convert the second penalty, Bent also missed the opportunity to go level at the top of the Premier League scoring charts with Wayne Rooney, who has six compared to the Sunderland man’s five.” Clearly they’re so dazzled by Fernando Torres’ eight league goals they believe it’s unfair to lump him in with the rest. Nick Thompson
Important v urgent
I spend a lot of time at work encouraging my departmental heads to focus on the important rather than the urgent. And this week has given them an object lesson in what not to do.
Length of time it took Gordon Brown to comment on the release of Libyan terrorist Abdel Baset al-Megrahi – around 13 days. Length of time it took Gordon Brown to comment on England’s success in clinching a 2010 World Cup place – around 13 minutes.
It’s good to know our PM has his priorities right.Nick Thompson
It’s all about value
I was privileged to sit in on a round table with the Archbishop of York this week and one of the things he said shocked me. Apparently Rover Cars were asking the Government for a £1 million loan to tide it over whilst it tied up a partnership with a Chinese automotive company. But that was refused and the rest is history, with thousands of jobs lost.
Now compare that to the cost of holding the enquiry into what went wrong, estimated at about £13 million without a single job created.
Now is it me or would it have made more sense to make the loan? Well at least to everyone bar the Chinese automotive company who saved a fortune picking up the scraps from a bankrupt Rover. Nick Thompson
Mercury rising
It was the Mercury Music Awards this week, and whilst we have been led to believe it tends to focus on struggling young artists who need a hand with the sales boost nomination brings them, it may not be such an altruistic process as that.
Apparently the award costs £200 to enter and £300 per head for the awards dinner, and that doesn’t include a pay bar. Rumour has it that some of the nominees smuggle booze in so they can enjoy a drink. And with ten each at around 100 tables, it all makes the £20,000 prize feel like small beer. Nick Thompson
Gentler times
In the week that Chelsea were landed a lengthy transfer ban for using their financial muscle to lure young players and other Premiership clubs breathe a ‘There but for the grace of God’ moment, it might be good to remember simpler times.
Around ten years ago a 16-year-old called Jermaine Defoe apparently left Charlton for West Ham on the back of the latter promising to buy his mum a fridge.
Isn’t it good to see that boys still love their mums? Nick Thompson
Biological basics – the difference between a man and a woman!
The extraordinary time taken over the so-called gender test of the South African woman athlete who has outrun her opponents by miles at the World Championships in Berlin defies common sense.
Why it takes so long to work out whether she is male or female is something which the likes of me, who is the son of a doctor and went to boarding school where we used to shower in front of dozens of fellow boarders, finds particularly hard to grasp.
I do not wish to be crude, but take it from me – the quickest way to discover whether someone is a man or a woman, surely, is to ask them to take their clothes off! Charles Gardner
Children are more intelligent than ever!
The annual A-level saga of whether the constant improvements in results devalue the examination has, of course, come up again. And in an interview on BBC Radio 4’s flagship Today programme, an education ‘expert’ replied to the traditional question with the quite simple explanation: “Today’s children are more intelligent!”
He obviously believes in evolution. But as one who has monitored the credentials of school-leavers over nearly four decades (albeit unscientifically), I struggle to agree. The three Rs alone – reading, writing and arithmetic – seem to have gone down the swanee over the years. Few can spell, not many can add up (judging by shop assistants) and even less can string sentences together with any degree of cohesion. Charles Gardner
I know how to spell nepotism
Jay Hunt lives well as a BBC senior executive – great pay, amazing expenses and yet it would seem even that is simply not enough.
She is also company secretary for a media training business – run by her husband – providing training services to the BBC, which spends £45m per annum on its in-house training department.
Three years ago it was revealed that her former husband set up a similar business. The BBC’s response is similar to that of MPs in the expenses row. Ms Hunt has acted within the guidelines, we are told – guidelines that would never have been accepted by Lord Reith. Nick Thompson
Death duties et al
Isabel Cosgrove, a BBC human resources worker, has written to Ariel, the BBC’s in-house magazine, complaining that she has been banned from sending wreaths to the families of colleagues who have died while working for the corporation.
Which seems almost ‘Animal Farmish’ given that executives can spend sums in excess of £100 on bouquets for talent of the nature of Jonathan Ross, and BBC bosses claim expenses for attending funerals including: Richard Deverell – head of Children’s Television ($45 for a wreath in April 2008); Jonathan Beazley – Controller of BBC Vision (£4 tube fare for a memorial service); and Mark Damazer – Controller of Radio 4 (£25 for returning from a funeral – would anyone have noticed if he’d stayed?)
So we are all equal brothers, but some are more equal than others. Nick Thompson
Thick hearts and thin skins
The BBC has run into another storm this week with Jeremy Clarkson’s ‘Berlin to Warsaw on One Tank’ spoof advertisement for VW Scirocco, and I am wondering what on earth all the fuss is about. OK, so it wasn’t in the best of taste, but does anyone seriously think it was a real advertisement?
Actually, I think all the fuss is symptomatic of a modern malaise where we have thin skins and thick hearts. So never mind that Hamas and Hezbollah kidnapped Israeli soldiers years ago and no-one knows what became of them, never mind about the Britons kidnapped in Iraq, never mind that Iran is building nuclear weapons, who cares. But hang on, Jeremy Clarkson has run a poor taste advertisement – a matter of serious import.
Europe came to a watershed when Martin Luther protested the indulgences of the Catholic Church. Perhaps it’s time for another watershed created by a similarly prophetic figure protesting the self-indulgences of modern Western society.
Then we might get back on kilter with thick skins and thin hearts. I sense that is the way God would have us. Nick Thompson
Revenge is sweet
Just a guess here, but I suspect these two things have a link somewhere:
Wednesday July 8: The Guardian runs a major lead on News International title News of the World running a phone-hacking ring that embarrassed News International executives as they tried to explain it to MPs.
Sunday August 2: The Sunday Times leaks a report that the Guardian Media Group are considering an option to close The Observer. …Coincidence? Nick Thompson
Reading, Writing, Arithmetic and… Respect!
I was at a family funeral on Friday – it has come to that time of my life where the generation before me are coming to the end of the road. My uncle and aunt had been married 70 years and died within three days of each other. The service was lovely – a walk through the memories of their lives – and at one point the Catholic priest taking the service remarked that they had learnt the 4 Rs at school. That had me scratching my head, metaphorically of course, so I later asked about the fourth. “Respect,” smiled the elderly priest.
As a youth I had loathed standing up for teachers, asking permission to go to the toilet or leave the table, and then in a flash I realised the whole point of it. And I also realised that, in our drive for treating young people with kid gloves, we are in danger of robbing respect from their experience. Some recover and go on to be fine young men and women of whom we can be proud, but for others school is the only place they will ever have the chance to learn respect, and our liberal politicians have robbed them of it. I shed a tear for the departed – and it wasn’t my uncle and aunt. Nick Thompson
Take that Lady Gaga
I don’t know how many of you keep up with pop music – I do by proxy – but this week I was able to tell my daughter something a little bird had told me.
Lady Gaga, this year’s pop sensation who for some Freudian reason I persist in calling Gargoyle, was backing Take That in their current tour. Sadly she fell ill and missed two shows in Manchester. Or did she? My little bird told me that Lady Gargoyle turned up with two truckloads of kit for her show, only to find that the perfectionist leader of Take That, Gary Barlow, had his own show planned. Cue big fall-out which took two days for Lady Gargoyle to bow to the inevitable and get with the plan. So now the show is back on and everyone is in harmony – well, relatively. Nick Thompson
My old man’s a milkman
My dad was a milkman; in fact I spent several years helping him every Saturday and Sunday. Reminiscing on this with a mate the other night, I learnt about a host of celebrity ‘milkies’ – Liz Hurley’s granddad delivered to the Palmer-Tompkinsons, Noddy Holder delivered to Ozzy Osbourne’s dad, Sean Connery delivered to Betty Boo’s gran and Sting delivered to lots of people. So I walked with the greats! Nick Thompson
Old tricks, new dogs
You may recall that I laughed at the O2’s trick of trying to save some of the ticket revenues from the not-to-be Michael Jackson shows with the memorial ticket stunt.
Evidently it’s nothing new. Field Marshal Montgomery was apparently a gambling man and when he lost he would pay his debts by cheque, writing on the back words to the effect “Beaten by the better man, your gambling friend Bernard Montgomery.” It seems few were ever cashed, but there was a whole load framed and displayed for posterity. Nick Thompson
How to win friends
You’ve probably read about the alleged attempted murder of a pupil by a teacher in Mansfield. But did you know that there is a website called ratemyteacher where Mr Harvey, the alleged perpetrator, enjoyed a five out of five mark which, even after the alleged incident, only dropped to 3.7 and is now back at 4.6?
The average score for other teachers at the school is 3.6 which means that even after these events Mr Harvey is more popular than the other teachers in the school. All of which makes me wonder where the victim of this alleged assault would appear on the popularity charts. Nick Thompson
What’s in a name?
In the week in which we celebrate the 40th anniversary of the moon landings, it might be a good time to reflect that the maiden name of Buzz Aldrin’s mum was Moon. Nick Thompson
Jamie’s rescue was worth every penny
The rescue of British backpacker Jamie Neale from the Blue Mountains of Australia, where he was lost for twelve days, is a warming tale of ‘all’s well that ends well’ – even though it cost the host country millions.
Most heart-warming of all was the down to earth frankness and geniality of his dad, who at the same time as being overwhelmingly grateful for the recovery of his boy, vowed to “kick his (backside)” for his stupidity, saying he must be the only teenager in the world to go on a ten-mile hike without a mobile phone!
A teenager without a mobile! Now that is novel; young Jamie must be quite a character to swim against the raging tide of coolness with such aplomb, and I reckon it was worth all the Aussie taxpayers’ money to rescue a young man who shows such a clear inclination for a recovery of sanity among the new generation.
And in any case, having a mobile would not necessarily have helped to pinpoint his position in that vast forested area. Charles Gardner
On the one hand
I have seen two stories presenting different angles on the same subject over the last week. One, well researched and with ample evidence, received little or no coverage in the mainstream media; the other, which seemed entirely speculative, received almost wall to wall coverage. The first was news that scientific research had demonstrated that the size of dinosaurs had been massively over-estimated in the course of which scientists have probably doubled their size.
The first I knew about this was when I read Andrew Halloway’s excellent article on this site. The second was the story that some dinosaur bones have been found by palaeontologists in Australia and that these bones introduce us to three new types of dinosaur – one massive predator and two herbivore. And they know this from a few bones? The story was covered on TV, radio and in the newspapers.
The thought that struck me was whether or not the speculation around this story was based on the old flawed estimation system or the new improved one. Oh and, of course, why our news media chose to promote speculation over demonstrable fact. It isn’t as if they’ve got previous in that area is it? Nick Thompson
Gravy train hits buffers
The news that our government has taken the East Coast franchise away from National Express should be the final nail in the coffin of the idea that what is essentially a public service can be run by private companies whose focus is earning dividends for their shareholders and bonuses for their executives rather than delivering a national transport strategy.
Of course it won’t because someone else will come in with the belief that they can make the service pay, and why shouldn’t they? Trains are packed, fares keep going up. So where did it all go wrong for National Express?
I suspect it was in the Machiavellian financial arrangements that seem obligatory for our current government. If they could concentrate on providing essential services, rather than continually going for complex and flawed financial engineering, then the UK would be a far better place. Nick Thompson
Desperately seeking something
Promoters of Michael Jackson’s planned shows at the O2 Arena in London have offered fans the option of a “specially created” souvenir ticket rather than a full refund.
AEG Live said full refunds are available for all legitimately bought tickets, but went on to suggest that some fans of the singer, who died last week, might prefer to receive a ticket “inspired and designed by Michael Jackson for the fans” and made with a “special lenticular process”.
Sadly these fans are not able to have their cake and eat it. “Since Michael loved his fans in life, it is incumbent upon us to treat them with the same reverence and respect after his death,” commented Randy Phillips, president and chief executive of AEG Live. So nothing to do with keeping hold of some of the ticket revenues then… Nick Thompson
Desperately seeking some of the other
An Oklahoma prostitute was apparently so desperate for business that she was caught having sex with a man in exchange for a box of crisps. Police officers who followed Lahoma Smith’s vehicle eventually discovered her and a man engaged in sexual activity inside.
She told officers that the man asked her for sex but did not have any ready cash so they had agreed that he would give her the crisps.
I sincerely hope they were good quality crisps, maybe something like Seabrooks or Kettle Chips; the idea of Quavers or the Gary Lineker-promoted Walkers just doesn’t bear thinking about. Nick Thompson
Happy campers
I see that Richard Dawkins is the prime mover behind a summer camp to protect children from the insidious threat of Christian versions. Now I might be missing something but I thought that TV, music, films, computer games etc are already doing a pretty good job of capturing the attention of young people up and down the land, indeed around the world.
However, this camp will allow children to search for unicorns. Now again I might be wrong but I think your average chav would probably kill and roast a unicorn if they could find one. You know, this project actually makes me stop and wonder if Mr Dawkins isn’t just interested in promoting himself and his books. Then again, I could be evolving into a cynical old git. Nick Thompson
There’s no business like showbusiness
Farewell Setanta, a brave underdog fighting the corporate behemoths who fell prey to the ravenous monster that is the credit crunch. Or maybe just a profligate entrepreneurial company run by a group who gained their collective MBAs from Planet Zog.
Here’s the thing… To screen a Premier League game Sky Sports take two car park passes and 22 stadium passes for crew, pundits and guests. By contrast, Setanta demanded 66 car park passes and 120 stadium passes. …Any clues there? Nick Thompson
Armpits of mass destruction
Apparently President Ahmadinejad is known in political and diplomatic circles for his body odour, being described as rather musty and smelling like a billy goat. How do they know that? A Whitehall source, who was apparently rather drunk at the time, gave a revealing insight into the West’s view on Middle East politics.
According to this source, the Chinese are very particular about personal hygiene and are appalled by President Ahmadinejad. So much so that he actually offends them. And so setting aside all concerns about democracy, the rule of law, electoral fraud etc, both Britain and the USA are quite happy for him to stay in power on the basis that China is highly unlikely to give political support to someone who offends them so much. All of which will help delay the day when Iran gets nuclear weapons. Now that is a funny old world. Nick Thompson
Bit of a tiff
The very day after President Obama praised the Iranian protesters for showing bravery in the
Trursekneem wrote:
Hello! Can you tell me how i can register mail at google google http://google.com
Muriel Anderson wrote:
Immobilised by the mobile:
So many people cause irritation to those around them by speaking very loudly on their mobile phones, making stupid, unnecessary calls: things like, “Hi, I’m on the train!” So? So are others who would like some peace. And people who drive using mobile phones are not only arrogant, they’re also accidents waiting to happen.
When people air their dirty linen in public on their mobile phones, I’ve often wondered how they’d react - if everyone around them joined in the conversation. They’d soon shut up, out of embarrassment!
Is this worth a try?
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