Thursday 7 January, 2010

Funny Old World

Journalist speaks sense – shock horror!

Journalist Jeff Randall featured the following quote which makes
shocking sense to me:

”We cannot incentivize idleness and expect it to diminish. We cannot spend more than we earn and expect to become richer. We cannot borrow more than we can afford and expect to stay solvent. We cannot import millions of economic migrants and expect higher wages for low-paid workers. We cannot run a non-selective state education system and expect its output to waltz into Oxbridge. We cannot dumb down education standards and expect employers not to notice. In short, we cannot cheat our way to sustainable prosperity.”

I feel a Jeff Randall for Prime Minister campaign coming on!

…Talking of which, a job centre has banned an advertisement asking for ‘reliable workers’ as it discriminated against the lackadaisical sort.

It reminds me of the early 80s when I was told I could not specify numeracy or literacy in a job advertisement with a job centre.

What was that our Government keeps saying about wanting to get people back into work? Nick Thompson

Tasty Chinese

The Great Wall never looked so tasty: a team of Chinese confectioners have built a 33ft long replica of the structure entirely out of chocolate in a bid to entice Chinese to eat more of the sweet stuff. The chocolate wall is made from solid dark chocolate bricks stuck together with white chocolate and is one of the attractions at the World Chocolate Wonderland exhibition and trade show which will open to the public later this month. Up to 80 tonnes of chocolate was used in making the displays which include a mini-army of 560 chocolate replicas of the well-known Terracotta Warriors standing to attention on a layer of chocolate flakes. Nick Thompson

Famous forebears

John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln’s assassin, was the great-great-great-grandfather of Cherie Blair. I wonder if Gordon Brown sleeps soundly knowing that. Nick Thompson

Salt of the Earth

What would Britain do without South Africans, I often wonder? Not content with having virtually half the current England cricket team closely connected with the country – a distinct advantage in the current test series in which they are giving the top-rated hosts a run for their money – they also seem to be at the forefront of the current battle to keep Britain on the road.

A man with a distinct South African accent was interviewed by the Beeb on how they were coping with salt mining a mile under the cliffs of the Yorkshire coast in the light of the Global Cooling (not the BBC’s expression, I hasten to add) we are now experiencing.

He told us they have been working round the clock in nine-hour shifts all through the Christmas period when they would normally shut down, consuming six litres of iced water per head each time.

So I hope the England team basking in the African sun (and especially the South Africans among them) spare a thought for the men of Yorkshire sweating away for precious grit to keep the home fires burning. Charles Gardner

Global Warming hot air frozen

So the Copenhagen Summit on Global Warming started on December 19, coinciding with the onset of Britain’s longest, deepest Big Freeze in at least 30 years.

It is almost as if God is waving two fingers in the direction of the assembled great and good. It reminds me of Psalm 2, particularly verse 4: “The One enthroned in heaven laughs…” or is that too cynical? Nick Thompson

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Politicians make their Marx

I recently learnt about a school of thought that has influenced most, if not all, of our existing senior politicians across Europe. Indeed, I am advised that Neil Kinnock was actually chanting the name of one of the school’s leading ideologists at the Labour Party Conference.

The Frankfurt School is a body of ideology whose stated aim is to bring society into a Marxist framework. And I have to admit I find that thought shocking but actually plausible, given the decisions and policies being pursued.

And as I was walking the dog the other day, it struck me that the Credit Crunch could well have been brought about by politicians determined to create a massive social experiment in wealth redistribution. I mulled that one over and actually it made sense in a Marxist sort of way.

Then the depressing thought struck me, and it was all supported by the Aspirin Tax. If you have never heard of the aspirin tax, let me explain. It is a tax applied to anything white that works. Nick Thompson

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Conspiracy theories

My son has came home for Christmas and took it upon himself to share his reading habits with me, confidently informing me that FHM is a brilliant magazine. To prove it he walked me through their Top 11 conspiracy theories which gave me pause for thought on a number of them, and giggles over others. Here’s a sample of the list with my thinking on the matter for your edification:

1 MI6 is in charge of the world’s drug trade – you know the thought struck me that if we were serious about bringing an end to this sordid business it could be pretty easily done, although it might make some liberal whiners weep tears into their skinny lattes. So is it our liberal conscience or a global conspiracy that allows the drug trade to continue?

2 Swine Flu was invented to slow down population growth – given swine flu struck in 1918 it has been around a while without doing the job.

3 The economic crisis was not an accident – the thought that no-one stood up and pointed out that packaging debt as a tradable commodity was nothing short of madness is scary, and I bet some big corporations are picking up lots of businesses and shares on the cheap.

4 The US prison system is slave labour – don’t know but I think it’s a good idea and should be exported to the UK as soon as possible.

5 China is building the world’s largest fleet of nuclear subs – highly plausible, but what will they do with them? China is nothing if not practical.

6 Facebook was created by the CIA – well, everyone seems to be sharing their intimate secrets on it, so genius if it was.

7 Barack Obama is Merovingian – ah, the Illuminati link; it had to be there somewhere. Actually, putting that together with the alleged Muslim connections and the idea of an Islamic Merovingian is truly scary, although on the other hand it could come in handy when creating a false peace. Nick Thompson

Commemorating history

Who remembers Mr Benn? No, not Anthony Wedgwood, but the 70s cartoon character. Apparently residents of the road where Mr Benn was created have clubbed together and raised £500 to erect a plaque commemorating this landmark cartoon. Buoyed by this act of remembrance and celebration, Mr Benn’s creator David McKee recently revealed there are plans for Mr Benn the movie. Heavens… they’ll be needing another whip-round to fund changing the plaque! Nick Thompson

Extra Terrestrial

According to the Bulgarian Government, space aliens are among us and in contact with government scientists who have set them a series of questions to respond to and believe that the aliens are answering via crop circles. I wonder if the questions are multiple-choice? Nick Thompson

Every little helps

Tesco recently received a novel complaint when an irate shopper drove a Rolls Royce through his local branch, breaking a storefront window and causing staff and shoppers to dive for cover.

Apparently he wanted to express dissatisfaction with Tesco Direct who had delivered him a bed without its mattress. However, one Tesco employee claimed that just minutes before the demonstration of dissatisfaction the driver had tried to buy alcohol but had been refused. So how many clubcard points was the bed worth and did it cover the cost of the window? Nick Thompson

Home is where the heart is

So SuBo, or Susan Boyle to those of us who still prefer good old-fashioned Christian and surnames, has apparently received her first £100k royalty cheque. Given the sales of her album, this is likely to be the first of many. So what is she going to buy? …A new house? Actually no, apparently Pebbles the cat doesn’t want to move so the council house Susan lives in is likely to be bought. You know I never once considered asking our pets whether they wanted to relocate or not. How thoughtless of me. Nick Thompson

Roar Deal

A hungry lion was dozing in the back of an unmarked circus van in the German city of Wuppertal when thieves stole the vehicle.
And in a remarkable piece of understatement, circus boss Laurens Thoen announced that the animal was probably looking for food and water and added a warning: ‘It could be a dangerous matter if they open the rear of the vehicle and it isn’t obvious from the outside that there is a fearsome predator within.’
It brings a whole new meaning to the pantomime catchphrase: ‘He’s behind you’. Nick Thompson

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Disney Tales

This may prove to be an apocryphal Disney Tale but apparently if a Disney cruise ship ever needs to be evacuated at sea, the protocol is that those who get the first lifeboat (before the women and children) are two Disney employees who are required to take a Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck costume with them so that if/when the children arrive to safety, they can be suitably greeted by Mickey and Donald so they don’t get upset thinking they’ve gone down with the ship. Nick Thompson

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It’s all a question of timing

Many of the protesters arrested at the G20 riots this year have had their bail dates set for mid-December, the same time as the climate summit in Copenhagen. …Coincidence? Nick Thompson

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Climate Change panel-beating

So the official response to the revelation that Climate Change scientists have been tweaking the evidence to support their contention has been greeted by the announcement that the allegations are to be investigated by the UN Climate Change Panel. No chance of a conflict of interest there?
The facts, as I noted a couple of years ago, are that there is evidence out there that the earth’s temperature has been cooling since the late 90s.
The Climate Change lobby has three main goals – tax revenues, protecting the industrial world from developing world growth and providing a new wave of industry to soak up some of the jobs lost when manufacturing moved east.
Why our politicians refuse to accept that the earth’s climate has been changing for hundreds of years is beyond me – unless, of course, they have watched 2012 and believed it. Nick Thompson

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France’s handy World Cup draw

So France got a handy draw in the World Cup. Following Frenchman Platini’s decision not to campaign for a replay following the Thierry Henry handball that denied Ireland, and friend of Platini Sepp Blater refusing Irish calls for a replay, France has a path that could easily propel them to the quarter-finals without breaking too much of a sweat …Unless, of course, they are themselves defeated with the help of some gamesmanship. I, for one, would turn a blind eye to anything of that nature. Nick Thompson

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Desert dream over

The desert dream is over. After building islands, tempting football star investors and generally promising the earth, Dubai’s bubble has burst… boo hoo. The bad news is that some investor analysts think Britain could be next. But Mr Brown keeps telling us we are leading the recovery. Now where are the emperor’s new clothes? Nick Thompson

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The Irish deserve a replay

The Irish football team deserves to be awarded a replay in the great handball debate currently exercising the sporting world.

After all, when they voted down the European Union by rejecting the Lisbon Treaty in a referendum, no-one took any notice and decided a replay would bring the right result. Who cares about democracy? What we need is a secure economy, the Irish were led to believe.

But now when millions witness French captain – and former Arsenal hero – Thierry Henry – scoring a goal which knocked Ireland out of the World Cup finals with a clear handball, the football authorities deny the Irish a replay.

Even Thierry Henry believes they deserve it. But the football authorities – like the Pharisees in Jesus’ time – are too busy consulting the rule book with a magnifying glass to recognise the obvious.

Yes, I agree that in almost every case the referee has to be the final arbiter – so much so that in my day job as sports editor I always delete the verbal abuse so regularly heaped on officials by my amateur correspondents – but there comes a time when the occasion demands a different response. Perhaps a bribe of a pint of the black stuff might suffice? Charles Gardner

Oops, I did it again

Apparently Australians walked out in disgust at a Britney Spears concert when they discovered she was lip synching. Obviously long-standing Britney fans then. What’s more disturbing was that most of the complainants featured on the news were men. They went to hear Britney sing? Nick Thompson

Old dogs, new tricks

Word is in Brussels that Russia – that’s right the country – is in the market for a PR agency to create a positive light around the actions of the Soviet Union in the run-up to, and directly following, World War II.

The strategic goal is to create the idea that modern Russia should be encouraged to exert its influence upon its neighbours for the good of the world.

Word also has it that a senior executive from one of the agencies pitching for the business asked, ‘So you want us to portray Stalin in a light that shows he wasn’t such a bad guy?’ Upon receiving the answer ‘Well, we appreciate it could be difficult’ the same executive continued by asking, ‘So you want us to re-write history?’ and got the unequivocal answer – ‘Yes’. Why do I think of Peter Mandelson when I reflect on that story? Nick Thompson

Po-faced ban on noisy sex upheld

Perversion in our sex-saturated society has long since become politically correct – in many cases, at least. And so it is perverse indeed that a 48-year-old woman from Washington, Tyne & Wear, has had a council ban on noisy sex – or cacophonous copulation as the BBC put it – upheld in court.
The woman in question is, with her husband, celebrating 25 years of apparently ecstatic marriage, though neighbours – no doubt acting out of jealousy – complained that her sexually-induced screams interfered with their TV viewing and sounded like she was being murdered.
And while she claimed she couldn’t help it, the judge ruled that the noise was unnecessary. I’m quite sure Solomon – who knew about the joys of sex – would have made a wiser judgment.
Seriously, the fact that a married couple still clearly enjoy intimacy after 25 years should be a cause of national celebration.
Would the neighbours rather that homosexual orgies were taking place next door, and would the law be able to do anything about it if they were? It’s worth a thought. Charles Gardner

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How extreme is extreme?

Shooting off on my holiday took my mind off the whole Question Time furore, but reflecting in the sunshine I suddenly realised that whilst the BBC and Mr Straw felt able to label Mr Griffin extreme they have never been able to apply the same label to Martin McGuinness, ex-IRA Chief of Staff, nor to President Ahmadinejad, currently engaged in building a nuclear weapon, nor to Hamas – involved in suicide bombings, execution of political enemies, killing of homosexuals, etc. So if you refuse to put up with non-Brits taking up council houses, hospital beds, school places or the abuse of returning British soldiers then it seems you are an extremist. Otherwise pretty much anything goes. Nick Thompson

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Last post for Ronnie?

Our cruise had many American passengers, some of whom I shared conversations with. One particularly enlightening one was with a laconic man from Oregon who, spying my newspaper article on the postal strike, remarked: “Robbie would have fixed that for y’all.” Seeing my quizzical look he reminded me of the air traffic strike where President Reagan told them to return to work or be sacked. Given that each strike is a another nail in the coffin of surface mail, and the only people welcoming the strikes are couriers, email providers and enemies of the UK, it is a matter of shame that our government is so indecisive that they lack the incisiveness of an ex-actor turned President who had the courage to transform his country. Nick Thompson

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Buzz off

You may be familiar with the old saying, ‘Penny-wise, pound-foolish’. Sadly our government and others around the world are precisely that. In fact in many ways they are literally fiddling while Rome burns. The world’s bee population is collapsing, and no bees means no pollination of fruit, flowers and vegetables, which in turn means that famine will stalk the earth. What are the world’s governments doing? Very little, it seems. Maybe they believe GM food will save us all. Or maybe they are so focused on the urgent global warming non-event that they are missing the important honey bee crisis. Nick Thompson

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Broke through the future

In a breathtaking piece of scientific rationale, scientists on the LHC (large hadron collider) – yes, the one that doesn’t work – are claiming that their work so picks at the fabric of nature that it has come back from the future to sabotage itself. Which would mean that it works, but it doesn’t, if you get what I mean. Based on that stunning analysis I think it is now time to reveal that British Leyland cars were never really rubbish but that cunning Japanese bosses time-travelled to sabotage BL and create the market opportunity for Datsun et al. Staggering. And if only I’d known when I had that Maestro that things could have been so different. Nick Thompson

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The truth will out

Timing is often a detail that can floor us so it may be appropriate that in the very week our liberal BBC organised the ambush of BNP leader Nick Griffin, a government adviser has finally admitted that we are all Lab Rats in Labour’s great sociological experiment. You know, the one where the UK throws open its doors to as many immigrants as possible. And our liberal chattering classes wonder why support for the BNP keeps growing! Maybe there is a broad body of people who do not want the UK used as a lab, or, as was also admitted, a political football to kick the Tories into having to accept a multicultural Britain. Nick Thompson

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Rip off Britain

I am in Italy this week on a cruise – a great time to relax. But something noteworthy happened yesterday. We took a 1.5 hour train ride to Rome at rush hour. The fare, including all day travel on the Metro, was 9 euros. Last time I took an hour and a half rush hour train ride to London it cost me approximately £160 sterling and that didn’t include the Tube fare. So what warrants the premium for letting the train take the strain in Britain? Nick Thompson

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Wossamatter?

What with the constant stream of media articles surfacing about Jonathan Ross’ impending contract negotiations you could be forgiven for thinking that having defended their man to the hilt during the Sachsgate affair, the BBC are now preparing to quietly shelve Wossy. Even more interesting is the recent rumour that Liza Tarbuck is on the brink of being signed to present a Radio 2 show. Now if I were a betting man… Nick Thompson

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Be careful what you wish for

Given Cashley Cole has a few bob, courtesy of his transfer to Chelsea, it’s not surprising he is investing some of it in the movies. Ashley has got himself onto a film called ‘Dead Man Running’ where he is to be listed as an Executive Producer. But it makes you wonder how well he did his research, as one of the stars is to be rapper 50 Cent, a man of whom Cheryl Cole, Ashley’s other half, said in her pre-married days: ‘I wouldn’t mind breeding a football team with him’. But then as they say about football, it’s all about choosing the right options. Nick Thompson

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Immobilised by the mobile!

Well, I’ll just have to get on my soapbox and rant on about one of my pet-hates. Having reached the ‘magic’ age, I am allowed to be a ‘grumpy old man’.

Now I know mobile phones have their uses, especially when my wife was stuck on a steep hill on holiday in Whitby after stalling the car and was able to call the men (who had been out golfing) for assistance. But emergencies are surely what they’re for.

There was an old saying that the devil makes work for idle hands. But it’s not PC now for two reasons – one, we don’t believe in the devil any more and, secondly, we’re not suppose to accuse anyone of being work-shy because that’s discrimination.

But it’s rare to see a young woman walking down the street without a cell phone stuck to her head. I can never understand why whatever conversation they are engaged upon couldn’t have been carried out before they left home, or waited until they got back. Other women who surely have enough on their hands pushing two young children about in a buggy manage to get completely distracted by a phone conversation. Certainly, the children concerned are relegated to second place in those circumstances – no wonder they end up running wild.

And far too many arrogant people (men and women) continue to use the phone while driving (even while turning corners) – although, if I may digress, if mobiles are illegal while driving so should smoking as cigarettes have to be lit, and ashes and fag-ends have to be disposed of. I know cars have ash-trays, but our ignorant, lawless natives prefer to throw them out the window.

Anyway, back to mobiles. What took the biscuit for me the other day was arriving in the northern suburbs of London on the way to visit my mum and, with the lights turned green, to find myself being held up by someone on a mobile. He was actually a runner, crossing a busy road against the lights completely oblivious to the rest of the world. Was he the President of the United States that he couldn’t even go for a run without his mobile? Charles Gardner

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Strange fruit

Having knocked the BBC over their excesses, here’s a heart-warming story of ingenuity and frugality from that quarter. Apparently Watchdog presenter Anne Robinson complained that her dressing room fruit bowl had a ‘too hairy’ kiwi fruit. Faced with no more stocks of such fruit, catering staff whipped out a pair of scissors and gave it a trim. Now that’s cost-conscious! Nick Thompson

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Otter madness

The Labour Conference made a symbolic return to Brighton’s Grand Hotel with a security operation costing £6 million, making it the most expensive in UK history, so there’s another record for Labour. The operation code named Otter required a year’s planning and involved hundreds of police. Why do I wonder if they should have bothered? Nick Thompson

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Fleecing the public

In the face of the pronouncement that Pandas should be allowed to die out, it has been revealed that the environmental lobby have a hierarchy of animals who tug on the public’s heartstrings – the top three being Panda, Tiger and Whale. So they seem to have devised an evolutionary strategy that makes the Panda the height of development in that its super-cute looks make it the most powerful species on our planet. Nick Thompson

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Marr’s attacks

Doubtless you have read Andrew Marr’s follow-up on the blogosphere ramblings over Gordon Brown’s alleged usage of anti-depressants, which he justified with the explanation ‘everyone in Westminster is talking about it’. Well, here’s another thing people in Westminster are talking about but which hasn’t been subject to the same very public scrutiny. Apparently Andrew Marr has taken out a swingeing injunction against the press concerning aspects of his own private life. So swingeing is this injunction that Private Eye has spent a fortune on lawyers simply to be allowed to say that the injunction even exists. However, there is an old saying about people in glasshouses which feels appropriate, and there are rumours that Labour worthies are discussing using parliamentary privilege to reveal Marr’s secret. Ouch! Nick Thompson

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The gene pool needs some chlorine

James and Wayne Snell planned a brilliant bank robbery after carefully surveying their target with their two accomplices. They struck late at night, dressed in dark, anonymous clothing and wearing balaclavas. They made off with more than £100,000. It was the perfect crime, but for one tiny detail. The car in which the four carried out their surveillance operation had a personalised number plate – J4 MES. It proved extremely memorable to passers-by outside a branch of the Halifax in Cardiff and it proved extremely useful to the police in tracing the culprits. They traced James Snell’s blue BMW to a flat in a suburb north of Cardiff, which in turn led them to a flat in another part of the city where the two brothers were caught red-handed, and somewhat red-faced, with £30,000 in bank notes. Nick Thompson

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Sense and Sensibility

Microsoft boss Bill Gates apparently presented these rules of life to a group of high school students.

1. Life is not fair – live with it.
   
2. The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem. It expects you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
   
3. You will not earn £60,000 per year straight out of school and you won’t be a director with a company car until you earn both.
   
4. If you think school is tough, wait until work.
   
5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents have a word for this kind of work – opportunity.
   
6. When you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault. Don’t whine about mistakes, learn from them.
   
7. Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they seem now. It’s the result of paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you telling them how cool you are. So before you go and save an endangered species, clean out your wardrobe.
   
8. School may have done away with winners and losers, but life hasn’t. Life has not abolished failing grades.
   
9. Life does not divide into terms, there are no long summer holidays and not that many employers are that interested in helping you find yourself; it’s a self-help subject.
   
10. Television is not real life. Real people have to leave the café or pub to do their job.
    
11. Be nice to nerds; you will probably end up working for one. Nick Thompson
    

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Education, Education, Education

Well, that was Tony Blair’s mantra but now Gordon Brown seems to be dabbling with football.
Not satisfied with congratulating England on qualifying for the World Cup, the game has moved on though we aren’t yet quite at the stage of the PM taking over at the FA.
If you haven’t read about it, Sports Minister Gerry Sutcliffe has written to the FA, the Premier League and the Football League, expressing concerns about various issues, including a perceived lack of development at the ‘grass roots’ level of the game.
When asked whether the government could pull their £25 million funding from football’s lower levels, Sutcliffe said: “That’s one of the levers we have. It would be a last resort, and we certainly wouldn’t want to do anything that would harm grassroots football. We will wait to see what The FA’s response is to the letter that we put forward.”
As we said, it’s not exactly a coup d’etat, but those on high might want to take note of what happened to the Hellenic Football Federation in 2006. Greece and its member clubs were banned from international competition due to government interference, and breaking rules on ‘the independence of members and decision-making in each country’. Greek law was eventually altered and the ban lifted, but it’s just something to bear in mind. Nick Thompson

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Do the maths

A BBC report on last Saturday’s Sunderland match had the following commentary. “By handing Jones the chance to convert the second penalty, Bent also missed the opportunity to go level at the top of the Premier League scoring charts with Wayne Rooney, who has six compared to the Sunderland man’s five.” Clearly they’re so dazzled by Fernando Torres’ eight league goals they believe it’s unfair to lump him in with the rest. Nick Thompson

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Important v urgent

I spend a lot of time at work encouraging my departmental heads to focus on the important rather than the urgent. And this week has given them an object lesson in what not to do.
Length of time it took Gordon Brown to comment on the release of Libyan terrorist Abdel Baset al-Megrahi – around 13 days. Length of time it took Gordon Brown to comment on England’s success in clinching a 2010 World Cup place – around 13 minutes.
It’s good to know our PM has his priorities right.Nick Thompson

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It’s all about value

I was privileged to sit in on a round table with the Archbishop of York this week and one of the things he said shocked me. Apparently Rover Cars were asking the Government for a £1 million loan to tide it over whilst it tied up a partnership with a Chinese automotive company. But that was refused and the rest is history, with thousands of jobs lost.
Now compare that to the cost of holding the enquiry into what went wrong, estimated at about £13 million without a single job created.
Now is it me or would it have made more sense to make the loan? Well at least to everyone bar the Chinese automotive company who saved a fortune picking up the scraps from a bankrupt Rover. Nick Thompson

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Mercury rising

It was the Mercury Music Awards this week, and whilst we have been led to believe it tends to focus on struggling young artists who need a hand with the sales boost nomination brings them, it may not be such an altruistic process as that.
Apparently the award costs £200 to enter and £300 per head for the awards dinner, and that doesn’t include a pay bar. Rumour has it that some of the nominees smuggle booze in so they can enjoy a drink. And with ten each at around 100 tables, it all makes the £20,000 prize feel like small beer. Nick Thompson

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Gentler times

In the week that Chelsea were landed a lengthy transfer ban for using their financial muscle to lure young players and other Premiership clubs breathe a ‘There but for the grace of God’ moment, it might be good to remember simpler times.
Around ten years ago a 16-year-old called Jermaine Defoe apparently left Charlton for West Ham on the back of the latter promising to buy his mum a fridge.
Isn’t it good to see that boys still love their mums? Nick Thompson

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Biological basics – the difference between a man and a woman!

The extraordinary time taken over the so-called gender test of the South African woman athlete who has outrun her opponents by miles at the World Championships in Berlin defies common sense.
Why it takes so long to work out whether she is male or female is something which the likes of me, who is the son of a doctor and went to boarding school where we used to shower in front of dozens of fellow boarders, finds particularly hard to grasp.
I do not wish to be crude, but take it from me – the quickest way to discover whether someone is a man or a woman, surely, is to ask them to take their clothes off! Charles Gardner

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Children are more intelligent than ever!

The annual A-level saga of whether the constant improvements in results devalue the examination has, of course, come up again. And in an interview on BBC Radio 4’s flagship Today programme, an education ‘expert’ replied to the traditional question with the quite simple explanation: “Today’s children are more intelligent!”

He obviously believes in evolution. But as one who has monitored the credentials of school-leavers over nearly four decades (albeit unscientifically), I struggle to agree. The three Rs alone – reading, writing and arithmetic – seem to have gone down the swanee over the years. Few can spell, not many can add up (judging by shop assistants) and even less can string sentences together with any degree of cohesion. Charles Gardner

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I know how to spell nepotism

Jay Hunt lives well as a BBC senior executive – great pay, amazing expenses and yet it would seem even that is simply not enough.

She is also company secretary for a media training business – run by her husband – providing training services to the BBC, which spends £45m per annum on its in-house training department.

Three years ago it was revealed that her former husband set up a similar business. The BBC’s response is similar to that of MPs in the expenses row. Ms Hunt has acted within the guidelines, we are told – guidelines that would never have been accepted by Lord Reith. Nick Thompson

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Death duties et al

Isabel Cosgrove, a BBC human resources worker, has written to Ariel, the BBC’s in-house magazine, complaining that she has been banned from sending wreaths to the families of colleagues who have died while working for the corporation.

Which seems almost ‘Animal Farmish’ given that executives can spend sums in excess of £100 on bouquets for talent of the nature of Jonathan Ross, and BBC bosses claim expenses for attending funerals including: Richard Deverell – head of Children’s Television ($45 for a wreath in April 2008); Jonathan Beazley – Controller of BBC Vision (£4 tube fare for a memorial service); and Mark Damazer – Controller of Radio 4 (£25 for returning from a funeral – would anyone have noticed if he’d stayed?)
So we are all equal brothers, but some are more equal than others. Nick Thompson

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Thick hearts and thin skins

The BBC has run into another storm this week with Jeremy Clarkson’s ‘Berlin to Warsaw on One Tank’ spoof advertisement for VW Scirocco, and I am wondering what on earth all the fuss is about. OK, so it wasn’t in the best of taste, but does anyone seriously think it was a real advertisement?

Actually, I think all the fuss is symptomatic of a modern malaise where we have thin skins and thick hearts. So never mind that Hamas and Hezbollah kidnapped Israeli soldiers years ago and no-one knows what became of them, never mind about the Britons kidnapped in Iraq, never mind that Iran is building nuclear weapons, who cares. But hang on, Jeremy Clarkson has run a poor taste advertisement – a matter of serious import.

Europe came to a watershed when Martin Luther protested the indulgences of the Catholic Church. Perhaps it’s time for another watershed created by a similarly prophetic figure protesting the self-indulgences of modern Western society.

Then we might get back on kilter with thick skins and thin hearts. I sense that is the way God would have us. Nick Thompson

Revenge is sweet

Just a guess here, but I suspect these two things have a link somewhere:

Wednesday July 8: The Guardian runs a major lead on News International title News of the World running a phone-hacking ring that embarrassed News International executives as they tried to explain it to MPs.

Sunday August 2: The Sunday Times leaks a report that the Guardian Media Group are considering an option to close The Observer. …Coincidence? Nick Thompson

Reading, Writing, Arithmetic and… Respect!

I was at a family funeral on Friday – it has come to that time of my life where the generation before me are coming to the end of the road. My uncle and aunt had been married 70 years and died within three days of each other. The service was lovely – a walk through the memories of their lives – and at one point the Catholic priest taking the service remarked that they had learnt the 4 Rs at school. That had me scratching my head, metaphorically of course, so I later asked about the fourth. “Respect,” smiled the elderly priest.

As a youth I had loathed standing up for teachers, asking permission to go to the toilet or leave the table, and then in a flash I realised the whole point of it. And I also realised that, in our drive for treating young people with kid gloves, we are in danger of robbing respect from their experience. Some recover and go on to be fine young men and women of whom we can be proud, but for others school is the only place they will ever have the chance to learn respect, and our liberal politicians have robbed them of it. I shed a tear for the departed – and it wasn’t my uncle and aunt. Nick Thompson

Take that Lady Gaga

I don’t know how many of you keep up with pop music – I do by proxy – but this week I was able to tell my daughter something a little bird had told me.

Lady Gaga, this year’s pop sensation who for some Freudian reason I persist in calling Gargoyle, was backing Take That in their current tour. Sadly she fell ill and missed two shows in Manchester. Or did she? My little bird told me that Lady Gargoyle turned up with two truckloads of kit for her show, only to find that the perfectionist leader of Take That, Gary Barlow, had his own show planned. Cue big fall-out which took two days for Lady Gargoyle to bow to the inevitable and get with the plan. So now the show is back on and everyone is in harmony – well, relatively. Nick Thompson

My old man’s a milkman

My dad was a milkman; in fact I spent several years helping him every Saturday and Sunday. Reminiscing on this with a mate the other night, I learnt about a host of celebrity ‘milkies’ – Liz Hurley’s granddad delivered to the Palmer-Tompkinsons, Noddy Holder delivered to Ozzy Osbourne’s dad, Sean Connery delivered to Betty Boo’s gran and Sting delivered to lots of people. So I walked with the greats! Nick Thompson

Old tricks, new dogs

You may recall that I laughed at the O2’s trick of trying to save some of the ticket revenues from the not-to-be Michael Jackson shows with the memorial ticket stunt.

Evidently it’s nothing new. Field Marshal Montgomery was apparently a gambling man and when he lost he would pay his debts by cheque, writing on the back words to the effect “Beaten by the better man, your gambling friend Bernard Montgomery.” It seems few were ever cashed, but there was a whole load framed and displayed for posterity. Nick Thompson

How to win friends

You’ve probably read about the alleged attempted murder of a pupil by a teacher in Mansfield. But did you know that there is a website called ratemyteacher where Mr Harvey, the alleged perpetrator, enjoyed a five out of five mark which, even after the alleged incident, only dropped to 3.7 and is now back at 4.6?

The average score for other teachers at the school is 3.6 which means that even after these events Mr Harvey is more popular than the other teachers in the school. All of which makes me wonder where the victim of this alleged assault would appear on the popularity charts. Nick Thompson

What’s in a name?

In the week in which we celebrate the 40th anniversary of the moon landings, it might be a good time to reflect that the maiden name of Buzz Aldrin’s mum was Moon. Nick Thompson

Jamie’s rescue was worth every penny

The rescue of British backpacker Jamie Neale from the Blue Mountains of Australia, where he was lost for twelve days, is a warming tale of ‘all’s well that ends well’ – even though it cost the host country millions.

Most heart-warming of all was the down to earth frankness and geniality of his dad, who at the same time as being overwhelmingly grateful for the recovery of his boy, vowed to “kick his (backside)” for his stupidity, saying he must be the only teenager in the world to go on a ten-mile hike without a mobile phone!

A teenager without a mobile! Now that is novel; young Jamie must be quite a character to swim against the raging tide of coolness with such aplomb, and I reckon it was worth all the Aussie taxpayers’ money to rescue a young man who shows such a clear inclination for a recovery of sanity among the new generation.

And in any case, having a mobile would not necessarily have helped to pinpoint his position in that vast forested area. Charles Gardner

On the one hand

I have seen two stories presenting different angles on the same subject over the last week. One, well researched and with ample evidence, received little or no coverage in the mainstream media; the other, which seemed entirely speculative, received almost wall to wall coverage. The first was news that scientific research had demonstrated that the size of dinosaurs had been massively over-estimated in the course of which scientists have probably doubled their size.

The first I knew about this was when I read Andrew Halloway’s excellent article on this site. The second was the story that some dinosaur bones have been found by palaeontologists in Australia and that these bones introduce us to three new types of dinosaur – one massive predator and two herbivore. And they know this from a few bones? The story was covered on TV, radio and in the newspapers.

The thought that struck me was whether or not the speculation around this story was based on the old flawed estimation system or the new improved one. Oh and, of course, why our news media chose to promote speculation over demonstrable fact. It isn’t as if they’ve got previous in that area is it? Nick Thompson

Gravy train hits buffers

The news that our government has taken the East Coast franchise away from National Express should be the final nail in the coffin of the idea that what is essentially a public service can be run by private companies whose focus is earning dividends for their shareholders and bonuses for their executives rather than delivering a national transport strategy.
Of course it won’t because someone else will come in with the belief that they can make the service pay, and why shouldn’t they? Trains are packed, fares keep going up. So where did it all go wrong for National Express?
I suspect it was in the Machiavellian financial arrangements that seem obligatory for our current government. If they could concentrate on providing essential services, rather than continually going for complex and flawed financial engineering, then the UK would be a far better place. Nick Thompson

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Desperately seeking something

Promoters of Michael Jackson’s planned shows at the O2 Arena in London have offered fans the option of a “specially created” souvenir ticket rather than a full refund.
AEG Live said full refunds are available for all legitimately bought tickets, but went on to suggest that some fans of the singer, who died last week, might prefer to receive a ticket “inspired and designed by Michael Jackson for the fans” and made with a “special lenticular process”.
Sadly these fans are not able to have their cake and eat it. “Since Michael loved his fans in life, it is incumbent upon us to treat them with the same reverence and respect after his death,” commented Randy Phillips, president and chief executive of AEG Live. So nothing to do with keeping hold of some of the ticket revenues then… Nick Thompson

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Desperately seeking some of the other

An Oklahoma prostitute was apparently so desperate for business that she was caught having sex with a man in exchange for a box of crisps. Police officers who followed Lahoma Smith’s vehicle eventually discovered her and a man engaged in sexual activity inside.
She told officers that the man asked her for sex but did not have any ready cash so they had agreed that he would give her the crisps.
I sincerely hope they were good quality crisps, maybe something like Seabrooks or Kettle Chips; the idea of Quavers or the Gary Lineker-promoted Walkers just doesn’t bear thinking about. Nick Thompson

Happy campers

I see that Richard Dawkins is the prime mover behind a summer camp to protect children from the insidious threat of Christian versions. Now I might be missing something but I thought that TV, music, films, computer games etc are already doing a pretty good job of capturing the attention of young people up and down the land, indeed around the world.

However, this camp will allow children to search for unicorns. Now again I might be wrong but I think your average chav would probably kill and roast a unicorn if they could find one. You know, this project actually makes me stop and wonder if Mr Dawkins isn’t just interested in promoting himself and his books. Then again, I could be evolving into a cynical old git. Nick Thompson

There’s no business like showbusiness

Farewell Setanta, a brave underdog fighting the corporate behemoths who fell prey to the ravenous monster that is the credit crunch. Or maybe just a profligate entrepreneurial company run by a group who gained their collective MBAs from Planet Zog.

Here’s the thing… To screen a Premier League game Sky Sports take two car park passes and 22 stadium passes for crew, pundits and guests. By contrast, Setanta demanded 66 car park passes and 120 stadium passes. …Any clues there? Nick Thompson

Armpits of mass destruction

Apparently President Ahmadinejad is known in political and diplomatic circles for his body odour, being described as rather musty and smelling like a billy goat. How do they know that? A Whitehall source, who was apparently rather drunk at the time, gave a revealing insight into the West’s view on Middle East politics.

According to this source, the Chinese are very particular about personal hygiene and are appalled by President Ahmadinejad. So much so that he actually offends them. And so setting aside all concerns about democracy, the rule of law, electoral fraud etc, both Britain and the USA are quite happy for him to stay in power on the basis that China is highly unlikely to give political support to someone who offends them so much. All of which will help delay the day when Iran gets nuclear weapons. Now that is a funny old world. Nick Thompson

Bit of a tiff

The very day after President Obama praised the Iranian protesters for showing bravery in the face of brutality, President Ahmadinejad responded by criticising the comments and stating that Western leaders who make insulting and irrelevant comments about Iran will be put on trial, also vowing to take a tougher approach to the West. Perhaps as a result President Obama will reflect on the futility of nice words and gestures to Iran. Then again, at least he was given the promise of a trial, which is something the protesters don’t seem to be getting the benefit of. Nick Thompson

The essential internet, by Gordon Brown

I was somewhat perturbed to hear Gordon Brown’s view that everyone should have access to the internet in their homes in this digital age …that it had become as essential as electricity and water.

Hmmm! When the power fails it’s either because the switch has fused, the bulb has expired or the bill hasn’t been paid. When the tap is turned on, water comes out, and when it leaks, it probably needs a new washer.

But when I have a computer problem – at work anyway where we are on a network – I get messages like this popping up on my screen: “Get latest tasted communication link failure.”

Just what sort of gobbledygook is that? It’s presumably designed to keep an elite world of IT technicians in constant employment rather in the manner that legal jargon ensures plenty of work – and extra money – for lawyers, if only to decipher what they could have told us in plain English at a much earlier stage.

There’s another message that, when it comes up, you know the system is about to crash – something about “getting the last ticket” rather like a lastminute.com promotion. Only they never mention a tempting destination. But I do feel like telling them where to get off as I’m left at the terminal in a fog of confusion. I’d stick to water and electricity if I had the choice. Charles Gardner

Electric cigarette banned from office

I was gob-smacked the other day when, as a member of our firm’s Health and Safety Committee, the subject of ‘electric cigarettes’ came up. Not only had I never heard of such a thing, I thought it was a joke. No, it does indeed exist, I was assured, and it was on the agenda because in our brave new world of smoke-free offices with chain-smokers booted outside into the ‘fresh air’, it was thought necessary to declare that electric cigarettes are also banned from the workplace.

Apparently they contain an element of nicotine which gets expelled into the atmosphere. But the most dangerous part of the process, to my mind, is the potential shock to those ‘plugged in’ to such a contraption. Or do they run on batteries?

Anyway, it all serves to add to my ‘policeman’ duties at the office where I often find myself having to reprimand those who neglect to turn off lights in the loo etc (I’m also the ‘carbon footprint’ officer).

Yes, it’s a funny old world – mad even. But you are welcome to bring your electric cigarettes to my 60th birthday party at beautiful Osterley Park on the western outskirts of London this weekend. Only bring your own electricity – and picnic! Charles Gardner

A leopard cannot change its spots

So there is trouble in Iran after the current President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is accused of vote-rigging and electoral fraud.

Well, there’s a surprise! This is the man who was reputedly involved in the American hostage-taking, has called for Israel to be wiped out and continually assures the world that he is not building a nuclear weapons facility. He is also the man who said he felt a halo over his head while he addressed the UN and who believes it is his destiny to usher in the 13th Imam or Mahdi. So is anyone shocked about these claims? Nick Thompson

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Wisdom for life

I was sent an e-mail the other day that listed the 45 most important things someone had ever learnt. Here are some of them:

Life is too short to waste hating someone

You do not have to win every argument. To agree to disagree shows maturity

It’s OK to get angry with God – he can handle it

Save for retirement, starting with your first wage packet

When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile

Make peace with your past so it doesn’t screw up your present

Never compare your life to others; you don’t know where their journey has taken them

If a relationship has secrets, then you probably shouldn’t be in it

Get rid of everything in your life that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful

It is never too late to have a happy childhood, but your second one is up to you

The most important sex organ is your brain

No-one is responsible for your happiness but you

When faced with disaster, ask yourself whether in five years it will matter

What people think of you is none of your business

Forgive everyone everything

Time heals everything – so give time, time

Don’t take yourself so seriously – no-one does

God loves you because of who he is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do

Growing old beats the alternative

If we all threw our problems onto a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d take ours back

Envy is a waste of time; you have all you need

Even though life isn’t tied with a bow, it is still a gift

Nick Thompson

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Staff relations

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics?

• 29 have been accused of spouse abuse
• 7 have been arrested for fraud
• 9 have been accused of writing bad cheques
• 17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses
• 3 have done time for assault
• 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
• 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
• 84 have been arrested for drink-driving in the last year

Which organisation is this?

It’s the 635 members of the House of Commons, the body that produces out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep us in line. Nick Thompson

Pareto’s Law

I’m sure you are all familiar with Pareto’s Law, but here is a great example of it.

Twitter is an online phenomenon that is allegedly sweeping the world. However, what research demonstrates is that 90% of all Tweets come from 10% of users. The worrying thing is that most of them are men. So much for women being the gossips… Nick Thompson

And we tell Irish jokes!

I received a selection of genuine complaints from holiday travellers and was left thinking we need to put some chlorine in the gene pool.
Here is a sample of the best/worst – it’s your choice.

“We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for five euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”
“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, but it only took the Americans three hours.”
“I compared the size of our one-bed apartment to our friends’ three-bed version and ours was significantly smaller.”
“The brochure stated ‘No hairdressers at the hotel’. We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying here?”
“We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning.”
”On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

As my friend says, ‘Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light.’ Nick Thompson

Mail myths

I recently received an e-mail reputedly showing a young Iranian boy having his arm crushed under a car wheel as punishment for stealing bread. The odd thing was that it was his left arm being crushed and even I know that Islamic law uses the right hand for punishment. So I did a little digging. The pictures in the e-mail are genuine, but the commentary and stated context are not. The pictures originated from an Iranian news agency and show a street magician doing a stunt to elicit cash from sympathetic onlookers.

The question that bothers me is who in their right mind, and with integrity, would go to the trouble of collating these pictures, creating a false legend around them and then circulate them around the world. I’m also confused by people who receive the mails and then blindly forward them without standing the story up. Then again, maybe I’m missing something about the subtle art of propaganda. Nick Thompson

EU law is an ass

Apparently the EU has passed a law that will forbid churches from refusing to give communion or baptism to non-Christians. Still, there is a silver lining in every cloud because this will surely mean that Christians can become members of synagogues and mosques and join any political party they like regardless of whether or not they support its ideals. We might even be able to stretch it to the point where we can claim MPs’ expenses. One guy I know is already planning to enter the Olympics and join the Royal Family.

This all comes on the back of a Christian charity worker in Southampton being sacked for discussing his beliefs when answering a colleague’s question and the announcement that teenage mums will be awarded a GCSE in parenting. Now consider the swotting for that exam for a moment. Has the world gone mad? Or are we the mad ones for accepting this tosh from our politicians? Nick Thompson

MPs’ expenses

There has been more than enough said about MPs’ expenses and I do not intend to add anything to the furore beyond this thought. This Labour Government relaxed the regulations around the financial services industry and created the conditions that brought about our current economic meltdown. They also relaxed the regulations around MPs’ expenses and created the fraud and deception currently being revealed in the Daily Telegraph.

Can anyone remind me of other regulations they relaxed that have preceded disaster? Let me think: I guess we are talking about exams, gender politics and the gay community. When will enough be enough and these woolly-minded hypocrites recognise that, for the good of our country, change is needed. Nick Thompson

The truth about prison

I was arrested and put in prison yesterday. Shock, horror – but it was all for charity and it certainly opened my eyes.

When four police officers – including three attractive WPCs – came to arrest me, I thought it was a bit of a laugh. Even when I was locked in the police van, I was still smiling and thinking it was fun. But on entering prison itself, the truth started to dawn. We were taken on a tour and, to my disappointment, I didn’t see a single plasma screen although I did see TVs and got the distinct impression that the aim of the officers was to keep the prisoners calm and quiet.

Now while I believe we are far too soft on the bad people in society, I recognised yesterday that there is a percentage of the prison population who are there because of dysfunctional families and I do not believe society is doing enough to wean them off that destructive lifestyle.

So yes, I am still in favour of capital and corporal punishment, but I am now in favour of doing more to break the cycle of despair that locks some of these people in an unending cycle of crime. And the good news is that I raised sufficient bail to be released. So thank you to everyone who kindly supported the charities and, for the messages involving the showers, please note that my bar of soap is unopened. Nick Thompson

£200m aircraft written off

Now I appreciate this is theoretically an old story, but it has evidently been suppressed by our mainstream media.

A brand spanking new £200m Airbus 340-600 sits outside its hangar in Toulouse and a flight crew from Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies arrives to conduct pre-delivery tests.

They run-up the four engines to maximum power, but the aircraft is empty and therefore incredibly light. The take-off warning horn goes off because the aircraft computers think it is trying to take off.

Eventually the noise is heard and one of the crew decides to silence it with a circuit-breaker, but of course this fools the aircraft into thinking it’s in the air, so the computer automatically releases all the brakes and the aircraft rockets forward. The crew has no idea this is an inherent safety feature which ensures you do not try to land with the brakes on, with the result that this wonderful new £200m aircraft rams into a crash barrier and gets written off.

The full extent of crew injuries was never known because of a media blackout on the story, and this is the really funny bit. The story was blacked out because it was deemed insulting to the Muslim world. Of course they should have known that in a contest between a £200m aircraft and a wall, the wall would win. Nick Thompson

Our great democracy

Apparently BNP leader Nick Griffin has been effectively banned from the Buckingham Palace Garden Party in what amounts to another step on our slide towards a fascist dictator state. On the values of this decision, it is OK to embrace IRA terrorists and allow them to claim MPs’ expenses, to accommodate Muslim fundamentalist groups, give away your national heritage to Brussels and defraud the nation through Parliamentary expenses, but to speak out on what you believe about the state of the nation, you are persona non-grata.

I may not like Mr Griffin or his politics but I will defend his right to free speech and to represent the many British people who vote BNP. This decision is made by people who wouldn’t recognise democracy if it stood up and hit them which, incidentally, is what we should do at the European and Council elections. A curious part of me is hoping for a UKIP/BNP landslide with all the money-grubbing Labour, Conservative and Lib Dem candidates thrown out on their ears. Nick Thompson

Two lunches

A Sky News viewer’s contribution to the MPs’ expenses furore paraphrased Winston Churchill with ‘never have so few taken so much from so many’.

I also heard another great story concerning Michael Gove, one of our free-spending MPs. Apparently in his younger days as a budding journalist at the Daily Telegraph Mr Gove submitted an expenses claim for lunch with Ken Clarke. “Funny,” exclaimed his boss. “I had lunch with Ken Clarke that day.” Michael Gove’s reply: “Greedy b***** must have had two lunches.” Nick Thompson

Swine ’Flu – it’s got previous!

I had my own personal alcohol gel hand-wash delivered today – all part of the war against Swine ’Flu. Though I thought it was all a bit manic, I decided to do a little research and, to my surprise, discovered that it has visited us before – only it was frequently known as Spanish ’Flu then.

Swine ’Flu first emerged as a normal, non-lethal ’flu in the spring of 1918, but mutated over the ensuing six months or so into a monster that killed an estimated 21 million people in just four months. World War I took four years to rack up those kinds of casualty figures. And it is estimated that in the run of Swine ’Flu some 50 million victims died worldwide; some even estimate as many as 100 million. I think I’ll be using that hand-wash! Nick Thompson

Goldilocks and the Three Beds

There is so much to query in the MPs’ expenses scandal, but the £1,900-plus claim for three beds grabbed my attention