Sunday 20 December, 2009

UK
Family

By Dee Pfeiffer

With a happy childhood in middle class Sidcup, Kent, Miranda Suit, now 55, had all the trappings of a secure and stable upbringing and, as a mother-of-four, seemed almost untouched by the sexual revolution of her youth. But for decades she battled a problem that will surprise many who know her. From the age of just ten until four years ago, she was dealing with the results of being exposed to pornography as a child.

“I can’t remember exactly when or how it started, but I recall being under the age of ten when I developed a secret habit of masturbation. It didn’t coincide with anything in particular, and I put it down to normal exploration of my body that many children outgrow,” she told me. “Unfortunately in my case the habit endured into adulthood despite my faith and my best attempts to give it up.”

Miranda has searched high and low for answers as to the cause of her compulsive behaviour, and there is one episode in particular she has never forgotten. When she was just ten, what should have been an innocent walk in the woodlands near her home turned into something far more disturbing when she found a magazine containing explicit sexual material.

“Those images somehow moved me into a different gear. It was more explicit than I would have seen anywhere else at that time. I knew it was wrong but I found it really exciting. Once it was in my head the pictures were imprinted on my mind and those fantasies fed the behaviour.”

While many might consider masturbation harmless, to those unwillingly trapped in an unwanted yet extremely regular cycle it becomes an addiction, and these days it can go hand in hand with compulsive viewing of internet pornography.

“I found that exposure to explicit material on television and in films, romantic novels and women’s magazines made it worse because they provided new fantasies that poisoned my mind,” Miranda explains. She went through a cycle of repenting and then falling back into the same behaviour on a regular basis.

“I never bought pornography, but would stay up for a particular film on TV if I thought it would be explicit and would flick through magazines looking for sexual content. And when I decided enough was enough, it was too late, because my mind had already been programmed.”

The secrecy was almost as bad as the problem itself, especially since she was a Christian teenager growing up in the swinging sixties. “I was never able to share this problem with anyone else because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. At a time when society was becoming more liberal in the expression of sexuality, the church was quite rightly trying to maintain standards.

“I felt sure there was no-one else struggling with something so taboo, and I could not see anyone either in the church or wider society who was addressing the issue in an open and healthy way.

“From the age of 20, I realised I had to guard my eyes and would no longer seek out anything pornographic – but it seemed to find me. Worryingly, the whole of the media was becoming more and more explicit. Sexual material would imprint itself on my mind and in future would play through over and over again.”

Miranda’s behaviour was otherwise quite disciplined, for she was able to handle the other scourges of her generation. She didn’t swear or drink, had never smoked or taken drugs, and was a virgin when she married at the age of 23.

“I finally felt that my fantasies would be laid to rest in marriage and I would no longer be haunted by unwanted thoughts,” she says. “For the first time, I was able to open up to someone else about my struggles, and my husband was supportive and understanding.”

“We went on to have four children and at that time the problem almost disappeared, but I was always aware that at a deeper level, some powerful thought-patterns remained. It was as if my brain had been programmed, not with a natural healthy attitude towards sex but so that it derived most enjoyment from thoughts of illicit sexual behaviour.”

Despite her best efforts it seemed that, even in marriage, she was unable to completely escape from fantasies that had taken hold of her mind when she was a teenager.

She was also worried about stories of how porn addicts often move from straightforward heterosexual sex to increasingly perverted material. “I know now that many of them even fear that one day they will move on to child porn.”

Meantime Miranda determined to campaign against pornography in the hope that its harmful influence could be recognised and eradicated; and that others could be saved from its mind-altering effects. Together with others, she fought against the spread of sex shops in the 1980s and opposed the lowering of content standards in TV, films, videos and magazines.

“I felt burdened to expose the very real dangers of pornography. In no way is it just a bit of harmless fun. As we moved through the 80s, the true effects of the growing availability and explicitness of porn began to bite. Increasing evidence accumulated about the victims of pornography: men were claiming that porn had fed their appalling sex crimes and murders, women were blaming their broken marriages on porn addiction and, most poignantly, it was becoming apparent that children were being harmed by the sexualisation forced upon them by society at an ever younger age.”

In 2000 Miranda stepped up her campaigning by co-founding the lobby group mediamarch which went on to hold successful annual marches and demonstrations against pornography and excessive sex, violence and bad language in all forms of media.

Four decades after her first encounter with pornography, Miranda finally found the courage to seek more help for her problem and to confront it head on.

“It was so difficult to tell my pastor,” she says. “I feared he would either be judgmental or terribly shocked.” But he was very understanding and she felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

It’s now nearly 2010 and, tragically, our government and regulators have largely ignored the compelling evidence against pornography. It has almost become fashionable, extending its hold over almost every area of our society. Young teenage boys brag about the latest downloads on their mobile phones and what was once seen as shameful is now almost encouraged in some circles.

But addiction to porn is an escalating problem even within the church. Miranda says: “Five years ago I asked two Christian ladies to pray that I would be able to conquer the sin of lust. A year later I went to Amsterdam and attended a seminar about sexual addiction by Faithful and True Ministries. For the first time, I was with other addicts and the focus wasn’t just on me. There I began to understand what had happened and gradually began to feel less burdened. Three months later I realised with great joy that my mind had indeed been ‘reprogrammed’ and was free of the unwanted images that had been so powerful.”

Miranda wants people to know that they can escape from the power of porn. “The good news is that many people are receiving help, all with a different story but the same addictive problems. And I am committed to fighting for the liberation of those who are still trapped in that behaviour.”

It remains to be seen how many others are suffering in silence at the hands of a compulsion that could be as harmful as drug and alcohol addiction.

With her deeply-held Christian convictions, Miranda has managed a soup kitchen for the homeless and destitute. When not working, she can often be found outside Bromley’s clubs and bars in the early hours of the morning, mentoring those in difficulty or distress in her unpaid role as a voluntary street pastor.

Her four teenage children have grown up with the same values but, most importantly, know that if they are ever overwhelmed by the excesses of life in 21st century Britain, they can always turn to their mother for valuable advice, wisdom and support.

Photo: Used with Permission